I'm going to try to get a job I need tomorrow. In doing so, I'll be giving up a job I almost enjoy. I just wish my mother could do the same =/. Wish me strength

It's okay though.

I've decided.  It's better to feel and be hurt than to feel nothing.

Go me.

Today promises to be... Horribly... familiar.

Whee!  Wednesday!  Workworkwork.  Oh, and lame group members only just now checking in, even though we all know how much work we have to do in just eight weeks.  Awesome.

Oh well... At least I've got some kind of income... maybe I'll splurge and get my milkshake for the week.  I STILL haven't gotten one... been wanting one since last week.  Stupid Jack in the Box.

I don't mean that.  I love you JBX.

THE EVIL LEAGUE OF EVIL IS WATCHING SO BEWARE!

What is family?

I don't have a definition for you, but I know what a family isn't.  A family doesn't treat you like an unwelcome house guest.  A family doesn't exclude you from everything.  A family doesn't talk about you behind your back, doesn't demean you, doesn't make you feel inadequate.  No... I'm wrong.  A family DOES do these things... they just SHOULDN'T.

What I should talk about is Family... that illusive ideal that is so hard to find, yet so desirable...

My mother is my Family.  She's so wonderful to me and my brother... everything she's done has been for us.  Sure, when she can, she thinks about herself, but we always come first.. and that's scary, being loved that much. I remember a time when I hated my mother.  She was always the mean one, the enforcer.  Now, though, I can look back and see that I didn't hate my mother... I hated the demon she fights even today.  See, she's bipolar, much like me... yet not like me at all.  I'm depressant/hyper depressant.  I forget the term for her, but really I had three moms; Angry mom, Depressed mom, and Mom.  I hated angry mom.  I loved Mom.  And I got along with depressed mom.  It's not really my place to talk about this anymore, but let's just say Angry Mom is gone (hopefully for good)... and now I really do see what she's been through.

Now I have a new Family... friends who have grown so dear to me, so loving, that they ceased to be friends and have become my Family.  My Family has kept me alive, sometimes literally.

I had my first real Christmas with a split home this year... yeah, last year we had dad time and mom time, but this year we really had conflicting obligations.  I don't really want to use the term obligations... but it works, so whatever.  Long story short, it was a weird holiday, and I never felt better leaving a house on a day when Family should be easy to find :(

First of all...

Wow.  I fail at this.  Almost three months without a post.  Go me.  I haven't even been writing in my analog journal.  So yeah.  That sucks.  I'm really not the blogging type, I don't think.  Sure, I love to talk and conversate and write, but keeping a public journal just seems... weird to me.  Some of the things I write here are dark, some are fun, some are deep... but all of them are really me letting down my walls for the entire internet to see.  That's scary, especially for someone like me.

So then I started thinking (Oh no!  Again with the thinking!).  Why... not?  Why not bare my soul to everyone I meet?  They only have the power over me that I give them.  So, no more will I censor myself.  No more will I apologize, or hide what I feel to be Right, or Just, or HOW I feel.  Because at the end of the day, this is a selfish thing I'm doing.  It's for me, not you.  Sure, dear reader, I value your opinion.  I want to hear your point of view. But who are you to judge me for me?  Who are you to make me feel insecure, or unwanted?  Yes, I want the conflicting points of view.  Yes, I want the negative opinions.  But the fear... that's what I'm talking about.  The fear of sharing something that you (yes you, dear reader) finds offensive, or wrong, or unacceptable, and of losing a friendship (or potential friendship).

So know this... I'll never close the door.  Only you can do that.  This is me, unadulterated, unfiltered, pure.  Honesty, no exceptions, even in the face of oblivion.  Ask what you will, and I'll answer, even if I know you won't like it.  Say what you will, and I'll consider it.  But don't try to fix me.  I'm not broken.  Worse for the wear, maybe, but not broken.