Another winter come to pass... Another year cheating death. Joy, heartache, pain, love, disappointment and tears... Foolishness. Adoration. Despair...

Hope.

I never understood the idea of celebrating birthdays. Why cheer on the inevitable creeping of death? Then, one day, I realized... We celebrate life, love, the journey, not the conclusion. We toast fellowship. We share joy at life, lived.

I never ask for gifts. The most valuable item we posses is time. Even if it is a brief message, hastily scrawled... The thought is there.

So I hope you have a beautiful day, dear reader. I think of you fondly.

I'm going to try to get a job I need tomorrow. In doing so, I'll be giving up a job I almost enjoy. I just wish my mother could do the same =/. Wish me strength

It's okay though.

I've decided.  It's better to feel and be hurt than to feel nothing.

Go me.

Today promises to be... Horribly... familiar.

Whee!  Wednesday!  Workworkwork.  Oh, and lame group members only just now checking in, even though we all know how much work we have to do in just eight weeks.  Awesome.

Oh well... At least I've got some kind of income... maybe I'll splurge and get my milkshake for the week.  I STILL haven't gotten one... been wanting one since last week.  Stupid Jack in the Box.

I don't mean that.  I love you JBX.

THE EVIL LEAGUE OF EVIL IS WATCHING SO BEWARE!

What is family?

I don't have a definition for you, but I know what a family isn't.  A family doesn't treat you like an unwelcome house guest.  A family doesn't exclude you from everything.  A family doesn't talk about you behind your back, doesn't demean you, doesn't make you feel inadequate.  No... I'm wrong.  A family DOES do these things... they just SHOULDN'T.

What I should talk about is Family... that illusive ideal that is so hard to find, yet so desirable...

My mother is my Family.  She's so wonderful to me and my brother... everything she's done has been for us.  Sure, when she can, she thinks about herself, but we always come first.. and that's scary, being loved that much. I remember a time when I hated my mother.  She was always the mean one, the enforcer.  Now, though, I can look back and see that I didn't hate my mother... I hated the demon she fights even today.  See, she's bipolar, much like me... yet not like me at all.  I'm depressant/hyper depressant.  I forget the term for her, but really I had three moms; Angry mom, Depressed mom, and Mom.  I hated angry mom.  I loved Mom.  And I got along with depressed mom.  It's not really my place to talk about this anymore, but let's just say Angry Mom is gone (hopefully for good)... and now I really do see what she's been through.

Now I have a new Family... friends who have grown so dear to me, so loving, that they ceased to be friends and have become my Family.  My Family has kept me alive, sometimes literally.

I had my first real Christmas with a split home this year... yeah, last year we had dad time and mom time, but this year we really had conflicting obligations.  I don't really want to use the term obligations... but it works, so whatever.  Long story short, it was a weird holiday, and I never felt better leaving a house on a day when Family should be easy to find :(

First of all...

Wow.  I fail at this.  Almost three months without a post.  Go me.  I haven't even been writing in my analog journal.  So yeah.  That sucks.  I'm really not the blogging type, I don't think.  Sure, I love to talk and conversate and write, but keeping a public journal just seems... weird to me.  Some of the things I write here are dark, some are fun, some are deep... but all of them are really me letting down my walls for the entire internet to see.  That's scary, especially for someone like me.

So then I started thinking (Oh no!  Again with the thinking!).  Why... not?  Why not bare my soul to everyone I meet?  They only have the power over me that I give them.  So, no more will I censor myself.  No more will I apologize, or hide what I feel to be Right, or Just, or HOW I feel.  Because at the end of the day, this is a selfish thing I'm doing.  It's for me, not you.  Sure, dear reader, I value your opinion.  I want to hear your point of view. But who are you to judge me for me?  Who are you to make me feel insecure, or unwanted?  Yes, I want the conflicting points of view.  Yes, I want the negative opinions.  But the fear... that's what I'm talking about.  The fear of sharing something that you (yes you, dear reader) finds offensive, or wrong, or unacceptable, and of losing a friendship (or potential friendship).

So know this... I'll never close the door.  Only you can do that.  This is me, unadulterated, unfiltered, pure.  Honesty, no exceptions, even in the face of oblivion.  Ask what you will, and I'll answer, even if I know you won't like it.  Say what you will, and I'll consider it.  But don't try to fix me.  I'm not broken.  Worse for the wear, maybe, but not broken.

Con. 1 retreat

Last weekend was St. Phillip's Confirmation 1's first retreat, and the first retreat I had been on in a while.

While I was gone, I learned many things about both myself and others I care a lot about.  I'm not trying to say "WOO GOD MADE ME BETTER IN ONE WEEKEND".  If you knew my particular views on 'God', you'd laugh yourself silly at the folk who think that.  So let's talk about that for a moment.

For the last three years I've been varying degrees of atheist.  If I wasn't straight up "There is no God, no higher divine being, nothing", then I was "If there is, He/She/It has way better things to do than get involved in our little blips on the tapestry that is time."  Relatively speaking, every individual is insignificant.  Why, then, would the creator of the multi-verse take time on we grains of sand upon a grain of sand?


Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? -Epicurus


This is the stand I took when it came to faith and religion. Yes, religion teaches us proper morals; do not kill, do not steal.  These are tenants that every man and woman of every creed can accept as good and right.

Well, several weeks ago, over the course of several hours, my closest friend and I had an... existential discussion about the intangible.  During this discussion, a cop came over and questioned us... it was awesome.

Long story short, I'm still not happy with the 'Fluffy God', but I'm definitely not an atheist or a... whatever.

So we go on retreat, and a man who I respect more than anyone else on the planet, a man who speaks truth no matter what people think, a man who told me "Shit happens.  Pick yourself up when no one else will.  You woke up this morning.  By God that's better than some folk can say, so it must be a damn fine day."  and more importantly made me believe it.  I trust this man implicitly.  Why?  Because he's so passionate about truth.  He knows he's fallible.

This is a man I think of as a great creature of myth.  He is wise beyond reason, powerful simply in presence... Easily angered but never unjustly.  He doesn't give out compliments lightly.  In fact, I don't think I've ever heard him give anyone a direct compliment.

So his words this weekend really hit me hard.  Hard enough to leave me, quite literally, shaken.  He said to me, near as I can recount, "Matthew... if I had to describe you, I'd say you were like a... like a tree.  You don't say much, ever.  You're a creature of nigh infinite patience... For Christ's sake, you're still listening to me.  You're wise far beyond your years.  You've got deep, strong roots, ... and you'll always be there.  You're the kind of person that, if I ever needed anything, a shoulder to cry on or someone to watch my back... well, I'd want you on my side."

I don't take praise well... I get little enough of it, and I just don't know how to respond to it.  I looked at him, saw the sincerity in his eyes... and my brain did a neat little skidding stop.  It just quit.  To have someone who wouldn't hesitate to tell you you're an imbecile and explain in no uncertain terms just where he thought you could stick your bullshit tell you that he not only trusts you but respects you... There aren't words for it.

I went through most of the rest of the day in a daze.  Shortly before dinner, I started shaking.  Then, later in the night, I cried.  I didn't just cry... this was the first time I had cried in years.  Certainly there have been tears... but nothing like this.  I've been crushing my emotions behind walls, building dams and aqueducts to keep them in check, hidden.  With a few sincere words, he broke the dam.  It feels good to be free, if not a little terrifying.  In less than a week I've been hurt again... but without pain, what worth does love have?

So thank you Papa Bear.  You'll probably never read this... but thank you.  I know now who I want to be, and have a pretty good guess about who I am.  I've always had an inkling, but never in such certain terms.

I am a tree.