Still a fool

Looks like all my worst fears were correct.  Things were supposed to get easier and better once dad's girlfriend moved in.  Sadly, this is not the case.  In fact, just like my (you call it pessimistic) realistic side said, it's gotten worse.

Thankfully, it looks like things are gonna work out though.  I have some friends that are looking at getting a house and who have offered me a room on the cheap.  With this new job (and the fact that the friend is going to help me get a better job come summer), things might get better a lot faster than I'm ready for.  We'll see what the 'morrow brings though.

Until next time, stay foolish.  We're all that's left of humanity.

From bad to worse and back again

Things are starting to look up after a pretty long downer run.  Last night, one of my closest friend's daughter made my week.  Let me paint the scene for you.

Perry was carrying his daughter, Jaina, who is six months old.  Jaina, mind you, TOTALLY has the same birthday as me :D.  Anyway.  So she's in his arms, and I walk by.  She starts making her "I want" noise, and reaching for me, but I had walked away, so she starts making this pitiful whining noise.  So I walked back over and she starts going "UNGH!" and like reaching for me.  Then she about jumps out of Perry's arms!  So I finally take her and she makes the "Yay!" face.  Ohmahgawsh.  Best.  Night.  Ever.

Then this morning I find out I probably have a job at a daycare.  It's not quite enough hours, and it's more a tutoring position than daycare, and it's across town, and it's only when school is in session... and the hours are shit, the worst time for traffic.  But you know what?  It's better than what I have now.  I won't be able to move out, but I'll be able to start saving.

So things are looking up.  For now.  :)

I must be insane.

I do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.  Oh well, such is life.

Why on earth would you do that?

What a disaster it would be if you discovered that I cared a little too much for friends.  What a calamity it will be when you see what he does to you and what your friends do for you.  Do you remember how we met?  I was thinking about that and a million other things.  I need to pour out this heart, it's full to bursting.  So what are you doing?  How can you treat yourself this way?  Make no mistake, it IS your fault, even if it's an accident, or a mistake.  That's the thing about free will... we're responsible for what we do even when we don't realize what we're doing.  Don't think the ring on your finger means it's okay for him to treat you like shit.  Don't think that he's the best you can do, or that he'll change.  People change.  Change takes time.  There was no time for him to change.  Now there's no reason for him to change.  Why would he?  He already has you.  You fight, he apologizes, you forgive him, then the circle repeats.  I've been there.  It's easier to forget the bad times when you can pretend that being alone would be worse.  The best part?  You wouldn't be by yourself.  You'd probably be less alone than you are now.


I'm scared.  Terrified that you blind yourself to the truth for what ifs, for fear of being alone again, convincing yourself that things will get better, that he'll 'get over it', that you'll learn to live with it.  Then one day, you'll decide it's too late.  You don't want to leave because you don't want your kids to have the same childhood you did.  One day, you'll give up on yourself, convinced that even if you leave you won't be happy.  One day, you'll look back and say "I've devoted so much of my life to this... I can't just walk away from it."  This terrifies me.

Everyone told me to stop caring.  To let people do what they want, no matter how destructive it is, and as long as I say "I don't approve" I've done all I can.  I can't accept that.  I'd rather be the friend that does what you need me to even if that means you'll hate me in the end, than the friend that stands idly by, lets you get hurt, and says "told you so."

With great power comes great responsibility.  With little power comes greater responsibility.  To stand by and let something terrible happen while you have even a chance to stop it is just as bad as doing it yourself.  So no, I can't stop caring.  Not until I'm dead.  Even then, I'm not sure I'll stop.  That's who I am.  Who are you?

I don't want you to want me.  I want you to be happy.  I'm sure we've all heard that line before.  Here's the trick; I mean it.  You might be able to convince yourself that you're happy, or that the good times outweigh the bad.  I've been there too.  They don't.  It took something outrageous to show me that.  Even then, I tried to convince myself to stay, that I could change her, it's a phase, she's sorry.  Not because I feared being alone, but because I feared her being alone.  I cared too much.  Then I realized... she'd be like this no matter who she was with, no matter what the circumstances, and nothing I do or say will change her... she has to be the one to do it.  I didn't close any doors, I simply stepped out of the room.

If you're the praying type, don't pray for me.

Pray for her to see him for what he is.  I hope with all my heart that he changes, grows up, and treats her right.  I know with all my heart he won't.  Not for you, not for me, not for anyone.

And no, you don't know what I'm talking about.  You just think you do.  And no, I won't tell you what I'm talking about.  That is between me, my irrational heart, and my fractured mind.  I just hope who needs to reads this and sees.  I know they probably won't.  Me and the patron saint of lost causes have that in common.

Writers block.

I should make one, and market it.  That is all.

There are some things I will never be.

There are other, more important things that I will always be.  I will always be a dreamer.  In my dreams, I am free. I can imagine, wander to the ends of the universe, lose myself in a world far removed from our reality.  I will always be a thinker.  In my mind, I am free.  I can ponder, question truth, believe.  I will always love.  In my heart, I am chained. Prisoner to what could be, what might have been, what should have happened, what cannot be allowed to happen.

I once said that I had a glass heart.  You can see right through it.  Years ago, I shattered that heart to set someone free.  I've done my best to rebuild it, but it's like sewing up a wound you can't quite reach... you really need someone else to do it.

There's a funny thing about truth you should all know.  If someone asks me a question they won't like the answer to, I try not to twist the truth or tell white lies.  I always ask "That depends.  Would you prefer the truth or a lie?"  Their response is always "The truth of course!".  This is, of course, a lie.  No one likes to hear truth when it hurts.  No one likes to hear they're wrong, or harsh truths like "you're a bit overweight", "you smell.  bad.", "you're acting like a fool."

These things are no less true because you don't want to hear them.  This is why we are taught to be tactful.  This is why we dance around each other.  More importantly, this is why we play our games of he said she said, double talk, half truths and outright lies.

Even more important is how we react to truth.  I believe what I believe.  That is my truth.  You believe what you believe.  I had a conversation with someone once.  I told them I had a problem with what they were doing, and laid out my argument as to why.  The topic at hand was not a cut and dry black and white topic, mind you.  Their response to every single one of my arguments was "I feel you're wrong.  I think I'm right.  I think this, I feel that, I want it to be this way so it is."  Unfortunately, we are no longer friends because they refused to hear the truth of my words.

You may be wondering how my truth was any better than what they felt, and what they believed.  My truth was no better.  It was still truth.  The problem arose not from their disbelief of my truth, but of refusing to even consider my truth.  Therein lies most of our social problems.  No one asks "Why do you feel that way?", and even more often, when asked "Why do you feel that way?" can't come up with an answer beyond "I feel its right".

Sometimes, that's all that's needed, that you feel it's right.  Other times...

I once did what I felt was right.  I shattered my heart to free someone.  I regret that choice every day.  At the moment I did it, it felt right.  It felt like the best course of action.  If I had talked it over with one other person, maybe I'd have seen it from a different point of view and seen how terrible that truth was.

There is great power in truth.  With that, as we all know, comes great responsibility.

I would rather be the friend that did or said what you needed me to, rather than the friend that did or said what you wanted me to.

Still.  Sometimes withholding small truths are better courses of action than shouting it to the world.  There are no absolutes when it comes to people.  Life is not mathematical, as much as I wish it were.  Love is not logical, though sometimes it can mistaken for logic.  I don't speak of just romantic love here, I speak of friendships, of parent child relationships.

We've always been told that honesty is the best policy.  Why, then, are we nearly always punished for telling truths?

Incredibad

I know I'm not supposed to be bitter when friends are successful, but damnit, I'm pretty bitter about this one.  I've been job hunting pretty actively over the last 6-8 months.  One of my super pals was job hunting for a week and was hired.  wtf?  I'll tell you wtf.  I'm a college student, so I carry that party hard stereotype.  I'm a bigger white guy, so I carry the stereotype of intimidation/jock.  I ride a motorcycle, and I'm young, so I carry the stereotype of a thrillseeking dumbass.  Oh, and my resume and professionalism makes the hiring manager look like a moron.

Not saying my super pal didn't deserve the job.  Not even saying my super pal doesn't make managers look like morons.  Just bitter and angry.  /endrant