I hate myself right now

I think it's for the best though.  Shouldn't that make me feel less like scum?

There's definitely some wonderful people in my life

Much as I'm loathe to admit it, I do need good folk around me.  I've realized that I'm just not strong enough on my own.  I give way to despair, turn inward, and sink farther and farther into depression without people to make me smile.  I've always been a bit of a loner, though... so I thought this bore further discussion.

When I say I need good folk in my life... I do mean it.  That's not, however, to say that I need them all the time, 24/7 on call.  Heck, I don't even think I need them most of the time.  I do need them though.

I can go about a week on my own.  Existing.  Doing what needs to be done.  Not sure why.  Seems just to be how it falls.

The problem, I think, stems from me trying to be too... self supporting.  Yeah, I'm tough.  I know how to take punches, I'm no stranger to hurt in all its forms... but after a while it becomes self perpetuating.  I try to keep my problems from the people who care.  I try to lock it up, build that barrier, to protect everyone else from my problems... and to protect myself, I'll admit.  It's a scary thing opening up to someone... even when you KNOW they won't judge, KNOW they just want to help... there's always that nagging self doubt.  You believe that they believe that they won't judge... and that nothing can change your relationship... but the problem is... they don't KNOW.  No one can.  It's much like Schrodinger's Cat (google it)... with a slight twist.

Nothing is certain.  Everything is open to interpretation.

Anyway... back on topic.  In closing off the good folk that care about me... I inadvertently create a self perpetuating system.  It builds up, making other things that aren't as big a deal become a big deal.  We've all experienced this to one extent or another... something trivial takes a day from bad to horrible in .07 seconds.

So I think I've made my point.  I am strong.  I am invincible with my friends.

That, or I'm insane.  Probably the latter...

Another winter come to pass... Another year cheating death. Joy, heartache, pain, love, disappointment and tears... Foolishness. Adoration. Despair...

Hope.

I never understood the idea of celebrating birthdays. Why cheer on the inevitable creeping of death? Then, one day, I realized... We celebrate life, love, the journey, not the conclusion. We toast fellowship. We share joy at life, lived.

I never ask for gifts. The most valuable item we posses is time. Even if it is a brief message, hastily scrawled... The thought is there.

So I hope you have a beautiful day, dear reader. I think of you fondly.

I'm going to try to get a job I need tomorrow. In doing so, I'll be giving up a job I almost enjoy. I just wish my mother could do the same =/. Wish me strength

It's okay though.

I've decided.  It's better to feel and be hurt than to feel nothing.

Go me.

Today promises to be... Horribly... familiar.

Whee!  Wednesday!  Workworkwork.  Oh, and lame group members only just now checking in, even though we all know how much work we have to do in just eight weeks.  Awesome.

Oh well... At least I've got some kind of income... maybe I'll splurge and get my milkshake for the week.  I STILL haven't gotten one... been wanting one since last week.  Stupid Jack in the Box.

I don't mean that.  I love you JBX.

THE EVIL LEAGUE OF EVIL IS WATCHING SO BEWARE!

What is family?

I don't have a definition for you, but I know what a family isn't.  A family doesn't treat you like an unwelcome house guest.  A family doesn't exclude you from everything.  A family doesn't talk about you behind your back, doesn't demean you, doesn't make you feel inadequate.  No... I'm wrong.  A family DOES do these things... they just SHOULDN'T.

What I should talk about is Family... that illusive ideal that is so hard to find, yet so desirable...

My mother is my Family.  She's so wonderful to me and my brother... everything she's done has been for us.  Sure, when she can, she thinks about herself, but we always come first.. and that's scary, being loved that much. I remember a time when I hated my mother.  She was always the mean one, the enforcer.  Now, though, I can look back and see that I didn't hate my mother... I hated the demon she fights even today.  See, she's bipolar, much like me... yet not like me at all.  I'm depressant/hyper depressant.  I forget the term for her, but really I had three moms; Angry mom, Depressed mom, and Mom.  I hated angry mom.  I loved Mom.  And I got along with depressed mom.  It's not really my place to talk about this anymore, but let's just say Angry Mom is gone (hopefully for good)... and now I really do see what she's been through.

Now I have a new Family... friends who have grown so dear to me, so loving, that they ceased to be friends and have become my Family.  My Family has kept me alive, sometimes literally.

I had my first real Christmas with a split home this year... yeah, last year we had dad time and mom time, but this year we really had conflicting obligations.  I don't really want to use the term obligations... but it works, so whatever.  Long story short, it was a weird holiday, and I never felt better leaving a house on a day when Family should be easy to find :(