Connundrum...

Boy tells girl he's madly in love with her.  Girl tells boy she loves him but just isn't ready to be in a relationship.  Boy tries to understands, respects girl's answer, and moves on.  Except... boy can't move on.  For, you see, boy IS in fact madly in love.

I feel that we all have layers to our hearts.  Every individual has different layers, in different order.  Family might be one layer, while friends another.  Some people have fewer layers than others, some people might share layers.  I like to think, though, that we all have a special place at the very center for that special someone who will one day complete us.

Took the CBEST today

It was SLIGHTLY more difficult than my high school exit exam.  That being said, I finished my HSEE in 20 minutes.  The whole exam.  Just saying lol.

Seriously though, once I get my writing portion results back, I should be able to substitute teach.  That should help a LOT.  I might even be able to move out AND fix my car!  WOO!

So this is depressing

I've been thinking about it for quite a long time.  I've decided that I've chosen the wrong major, for many reasons which I'm sure you're just dying to hear, but long story short, it's not what I thought it was.

Most of the reason I chose this major is because I was told it will give me the skills and experience I would need to do what I want: be a level designer and help create games.

While this is true to an extent, this path also did many other things.  It showed me the nitty gritty of what the game design field is, the competitive side of it, and more importantly the likelihood of me getting INTO a position that I wanted to be in at any time in the near or distant future.

Long story short is this:  I don't want to make video games from the ground up.  I don't want to make the tools to make the video games, I WANT TO MAKE THE VIDEO GAMES.  There IS a distinction there.

It's my own fault.  I honestly didn't know.  I honestly didn't make any effort to find out.  No one is to blame but myself.  I trusted that what I was told was true, because why would they lie or offer me false information?

So the more I think about it, and the more I look at it from an objective, more experienced point of view, the more I realize what a mistake I made.  I don't just want to go back and get a degree in engineering, I NEED to go back and get that degree.  THAT'S a job I can get behind, that I will enjoy, that I will be able to go to school for and LEARN.

Boohoo poor me.  whatever.  gnight folks.

I hate myself right now

I think it's for the best though.  Shouldn't that make me feel less like scum?

There's definitely some wonderful people in my life

Much as I'm loathe to admit it, I do need good folk around me.  I've realized that I'm just not strong enough on my own.  I give way to despair, turn inward, and sink farther and farther into depression without people to make me smile.  I've always been a bit of a loner, though... so I thought this bore further discussion.

When I say I need good folk in my life... I do mean it.  That's not, however, to say that I need them all the time, 24/7 on call.  Heck, I don't even think I need them most of the time.  I do need them though.

I can go about a week on my own.  Existing.  Doing what needs to be done.  Not sure why.  Seems just to be how it falls.

The problem, I think, stems from me trying to be too... self supporting.  Yeah, I'm tough.  I know how to take punches, I'm no stranger to hurt in all its forms... but after a while it becomes self perpetuating.  I try to keep my problems from the people who care.  I try to lock it up, build that barrier, to protect everyone else from my problems... and to protect myself, I'll admit.  It's a scary thing opening up to someone... even when you KNOW they won't judge, KNOW they just want to help... there's always that nagging self doubt.  You believe that they believe that they won't judge... and that nothing can change your relationship... but the problem is... they don't KNOW.  No one can.  It's much like Schrodinger's Cat (google it)... with a slight twist.

Nothing is certain.  Everything is open to interpretation.

Anyway... back on topic.  In closing off the good folk that care about me... I inadvertently create a self perpetuating system.  It builds up, making other things that aren't as big a deal become a big deal.  We've all experienced this to one extent or another... something trivial takes a day from bad to horrible in .07 seconds.

So I think I've made my point.  I am strong.  I am invincible with my friends.

That, or I'm insane.  Probably the latter...

Another winter come to pass... Another year cheating death. Joy, heartache, pain, love, disappointment and tears... Foolishness. Adoration. Despair...

Hope.

I never understood the idea of celebrating birthdays. Why cheer on the inevitable creeping of death? Then, one day, I realized... We celebrate life, love, the journey, not the conclusion. We toast fellowship. We share joy at life, lived.

I never ask for gifts. The most valuable item we posses is time. Even if it is a brief message, hastily scrawled... The thought is there.

So I hope you have a beautiful day, dear reader. I think of you fondly.

I'm going to try to get a job I need tomorrow. In doing so, I'll be giving up a job I almost enjoy. I just wish my mother could do the same =/. Wish me strength