A lot has changed

A good long while ago, one of my good friends started a little fiction experiment.  It was a neat read, and kinda fun to brainstorm and toss around ideas, but as with most things, fell to the wayside in lieu of those "important" things like "work" or "girls" or "friends"... whatever the hell those are.

Anyway, point is, I fully intend to steal the shit out of his idea and start my own little fiction experiment.  Nerd warning:  this is a World of Warcraft setting.  It will have pictures.  There will be comedy.  It might be totally lame.  OR COMPLETELY AWESOME!  But probably totally lame.

So we'll see where it goes.  IF it goes.

It all begins about seven years ago with an up and coming Night Elf who one day would just... fade away... (meta joke there.  Did you get it?)

The raging

I really am tired of raging.  I feel as though I'm just a walking bitch wagon, and I don't even have that pms excuse the ladies always rave about.  Still, there's something slightly therapeutic about screaming my frustration at a computer monitor knowing only about 3 people I actually know will hear (or in this case, read) it.

Dear reader, it has been such a long time.  I've forsaken you for other, more pressing things, like staying sane, paying bills (yes, despite popular belief, I do have them), and I'm sure there were some other very important things that my scorched mind hasn't quite remember the words for.

The other day I literally forgot the ENTIRE ENGLISH LANGUAGE for a space of about five minutes.  That's how burnt out I am.  Words were coming out of folks mouth that sounded familiar, but were basically gibberish. Apparently I was speaking Klingon (which is weird, that's one of the few fantasy languages I only know a spattering of) or some shit.

A job kind of fell into my lap a few months ago.  December 5th, to be exact.  Up to that point, I was eyeballs deep in school work and job hunting.  The job I ended up finding is full time, which is nice... I guess... but I feel a lot like I've been bait and switched.  "Oh" they said, "you make 10 bucks an hour to start!  Oh, and BENEFITS! (...that aren't really included and cost about a weeks pay a month and aren't really accepted anywhere) Oh, and once you're done with training you'll make (on average) about 12 bucks an hour!  (except you won't really if you have anything resembling a work ethic and/or morals.)

It's at a call center, which you can guess is horrid to begin with.  And guess what!  The high school dropout next to me makes 15 bucks an hour because he doesn't give a shit if he helps the people or not.  What do I get for exemplary customer service?  A balloon.  What the fuck am I, five?  It's not even a cool balloon either, some dumbass silver star.  NOT EVEN A GOLD STAR.

Still, a lot of people would murder me and desecrate my corpse while praising Jesus, Buddha and Spongebob for a shot at my job.  The problem I have with it is academic.  I am worth more money than I'm making.  A LOT more money.  And I've proved it... many times over.

But I"m TOO smart to get experience.  I'm too inexperienced to get experience.  Oh, and to top it all off, I'm too old to be out past ten o clock at night.  That's right, I turn 23 in two days and I have an earlier curfew than when I was 13.  What the mother fuck.

"Move out!" is your first suggestion.  "To where!?" is my first response.  I can't afford an apartment on my own, at least not one where all my shit won't be gone the day after I move in.  "Room mates!"  Okay... ones that do drugs or ones that are deadbeats?  Cuz honestly, those are the only options I've found.

I've done my homework.  A 10 pm curfew, bullshit as it is, is a lot better than most of my alternatives.

Still.  Things are starting to look up.  I'm working on a project that might land me a decent gig.  I'm looking into some job leads that are popping up in my actual field of choice (WITH TRAINING OMFG).

Oh, and there's some pretty awesome people I still get to see relatively often.  They make this bullshit worth it.  Well.  They make it bearable.

So until next time dear reader.  I've missed you.  I already feel a little bit better.

Oh, and before I forget... who wants to hear a story?

Dear Reader

I miss you.

I don't like feeling like this.

No one does.  Yes, there is something to say of willpower and keeping positive attitudes.  Still, the mind is a complex thing, and to deny one part of it is to deny the whole.  Accept that part, do not let it control you, but acknowledge it.  Count to three.  Then ten.  Then a hundred.

I consider myself a gentle man.  I am slow to anger.  I am rich in trust.  I am deep in thought, and reserve my words as best I can.  Still.  It takes a special person to earn my respect, a good person to earn my love, and a very unique person to return it.  In turn, it takes a special person to lose my respect.  A horrid person to earn my hate  A very unique person to make me hate myself.

I have found the latter.  A person that makes me honestly hate so much that I feel physically ill, and want to spit and wash myself to get this... horrid feeling off of me.

I try to focus on other things.  Brighter things.  New friends.  Old friends.  Family that loves me.  Family that tolerates me.  A good book.  Yet my mind falls to that which I cannot explain, the idiocy.  The hypocrisy.  The irreverence, the disrespect.

How can a person act thus and still consider themselves a person?  I care not for the reason behind their disdain.  Tolerance is what makes us people.  Not skill.  Not tall buildings.  Not money, certainly.  People that refuse to even acknowledge any point of view but their own are ignorant animals, undeserving of the title of person.  I don't mean to say one shouldn't believe what they believe.  I mean to say that one should honestly consider what someone else has to say, to look at them not as you, but as someone else.  If you look at a statue on one side, you have a pretty good idea of what the other side is, but to think your side is best without seeing or even acknowledging that there even IS another side, is simple foolishness and idiocy.

So in closing.  You are NOT all knowing. You are NOT perfect.  You are NOT better than anyone else because you have more education, more power, more money, a better situation.  I am a person.  I am me.  I have my own problems.  I have my own situation.  I have my own way of dealing with emotional stress, finances, and my own priorities.

Here's the deal

We had a "serious, sit down discussion", like you wanted.  We made THE RULES.  It's your house.  I respect that, and while it is frustrating that I'm (your words, not mine) "A full grown adult" who has the same curfew as minors, I follow it because again, it's your house, your rules.

Here's the thing though.  I'm in college.  I have a hard lights out Sunday through Thursday.  That, I'm afraid, DOESN"T WORK.  Again, though, I'm forced to acquiesce.  Friday and Saturday (it's in writing, so fuck you) I very clearly DO NOT HAVE A LIGHTS OUT.  PERIOD.  Why, then, do you come in after midnight and yell at me to "stop being a vampire?"  Do you not understand what a vampire is?  Because I assure you, I am not one.

Now that I've pointed that out to you, reasonably, articulately, etc. you've assumed a new tactic.  "If I make him get up early enough he'll HAVE to go to bed when I want him to.  To that, I have this to say:  Grow up.

You don't control me anymore; I LET YOU make the rules.  I COULD move out, but my quality of life would (I know, sounds crazy) be shit, and it'd just be a whole new bucket of stresses.

So let me outline something for you.  I follow your rules, I get yelled at and have to deal with the (usually hollow) threats.  I DON'T follow your rules, I get yelled at and have to deal with the (usually hollow) threats, with a slew of insults thrown at me for good measure.

So I really don't see the difference.  I'll just continue doing whatever the fuck I want because either way, I'm gonna get the same consequences.  Feels good to get that outta my system.

Connundrum...

Boy tells girl he's madly in love with her.  Girl tells boy she loves him but just isn't ready to be in a relationship.  Boy tries to understands, respects girl's answer, and moves on.  Except... boy can't move on.  For, you see, boy IS in fact madly in love.

I feel that we all have layers to our hearts.  Every individual has different layers, in different order.  Family might be one layer, while friends another.  Some people have fewer layers than others, some people might share layers.  I like to think, though, that we all have a special place at the very center for that special someone who will one day complete us.

Took the CBEST today

It was SLIGHTLY more difficult than my high school exit exam.  That being said, I finished my HSEE in 20 minutes.  The whole exam.  Just saying lol.

Seriously though, once I get my writing portion results back, I should be able to substitute teach.  That should help a LOT.  I might even be able to move out AND fix my car!  WOO!