Con. 1 retreat

Last weekend was St. Phillip's Confirmation 1's first retreat, and the first retreat I had been on in a while.

While I was gone, I learned many things about both myself and others I care a lot about.  I'm not trying to say "WOO GOD MADE ME BETTER IN ONE WEEKEND".  If you knew my particular views on 'God', you'd laugh yourself silly at the folk who think that.  So let's talk about that for a moment.

For the last three years I've been varying degrees of atheist.  If I wasn't straight up "There is no God, no higher divine being, nothing", then I was "If there is, He/She/It has way better things to do than get involved in our little blips on the tapestry that is time."  Relatively speaking, every individual is insignificant.  Why, then, would the creator of the multi-verse take time on we grains of sand upon a grain of sand?


Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? -Epicurus


This is the stand I took when it came to faith and religion. Yes, religion teaches us proper morals; do not kill, do not steal.  These are tenants that every man and woman of every creed can accept as good and right.

Well, several weeks ago, over the course of several hours, my closest friend and I had an... existential discussion about the intangible.  During this discussion, a cop came over and questioned us... it was awesome.

Long story short, I'm still not happy with the 'Fluffy God', but I'm definitely not an atheist or a... whatever.

So we go on retreat, and a man who I respect more than anyone else on the planet, a man who speaks truth no matter what people think, a man who told me "Shit happens.  Pick yourself up when no one else will.  You woke up this morning.  By God that's better than some folk can say, so it must be a damn fine day."  and more importantly made me believe it.  I trust this man implicitly.  Why?  Because he's so passionate about truth.  He knows he's fallible.

This is a man I think of as a great creature of myth.  He is wise beyond reason, powerful simply in presence... Easily angered but never unjustly.  He doesn't give out compliments lightly.  In fact, I don't think I've ever heard him give anyone a direct compliment.

So his words this weekend really hit me hard.  Hard enough to leave me, quite literally, shaken.  He said to me, near as I can recount, "Matthew... if I had to describe you, I'd say you were like a... like a tree.  You don't say much, ever.  You're a creature of nigh infinite patience... For Christ's sake, you're still listening to me.  You're wise far beyond your years.  You've got deep, strong roots, ... and you'll always be there.  You're the kind of person that, if I ever needed anything, a shoulder to cry on or someone to watch my back... well, I'd want you on my side."

I don't take praise well... I get little enough of it, and I just don't know how to respond to it.  I looked at him, saw the sincerity in his eyes... and my brain did a neat little skidding stop.  It just quit.  To have someone who wouldn't hesitate to tell you you're an imbecile and explain in no uncertain terms just where he thought you could stick your bullshit tell you that he not only trusts you but respects you... There aren't words for it.

I went through most of the rest of the day in a daze.  Shortly before dinner, I started shaking.  Then, later in the night, I cried.  I didn't just cry... this was the first time I had cried in years.  Certainly there have been tears... but nothing like this.  I've been crushing my emotions behind walls, building dams and aqueducts to keep them in check, hidden.  With a few sincere words, he broke the dam.  It feels good to be free, if not a little terrifying.  In less than a week I've been hurt again... but without pain, what worth does love have?

So thank you Papa Bear.  You'll probably never read this... but thank you.  I know now who I want to be, and have a pretty good guess about who I am.  I've always had an inkling, but never in such certain terms.

I am a tree.

Who am I?

I still struggle with this question.  Granted, the first thing that comes to mind is my old standby: I am me.  I am the actions that I have taken thus far.  I may not be a great man, or even good, but I'm okay.  I am intelligent by most scales.  I am a six foot something, twenty one winters old.  I am a male human who is proficient with computerized technology and has an impressive if not stellar skill list.

Yet while these may define the physical manifestation of me, and may answer the question of WHAT I am... they are not me.  So who am I?  My mind is scattered, I am aware of this.  My heart is shattered, I am aware of this.  I am a hopeless romantic, a fool, a protector, a comedian, and a thinker.  Yet... It's never good enough.

What I want to be has changed drastically over the years.  First, I wanted to be the comedian, the jester.  Seeing the smiles on faces at a well timed joke, pun, or funny story made me happy, joyful even.

Then I wanted to be the philosopher.  The thinker.  I found the taste left in my mouth was bitter, and soon gave that up.

Now I want to be the physicist... defining the world in quantifiable measures, theorizing about the nature of the universe.

Once again, these don't define who I am, just what I do.

Ah well.  Existentialism doesn't suit me.  I am who I am.  I think therefore I am, I feel therefore I am alive.  I hurt, therefore I love.

On a side note: I want to shout something from a rooftop, yet I find the rooftops decidedly uninviting.  I'm tired of schoolyard antics and rumors.  That being said, my plan worked.  I found the two likely sources.  Suffice to say, I am disappointed yet unsurprised.

It's a brand new me

I've decided on my Halloween costume.  Dr. Horrible.  That is all.

Light

Light is an.... interesting concept, to say the least.  We are creatures of light, are we not?  I do not mean in the metaphorical sense, where someone "of the Light" is a good person.  No, I mean this literally.  We evolved with eyes with which to see.  This, however, is not my point.

Light can be powerful, overbearing.  It can be subtle.  It can enhance our emotions... Take, for example, a walk down the street.  If the light is blindingly bright, say the rising sun is in your eyes, you tread more carefully.  If the light were just right, that warm, bright type of light brought on by mid morning or mid afternoon, you are more confident in your steps.  If, however, that light is darker, the kind of light where shadows breed, then... then we see the fear.  Someone passes you on the sidewalk in mid day, are we not more inclined to smile and nod at them?  Someone passes you on the sidewalk at midnight, we are more like to clutch our purses close, check our wallets, finger our keys, stiffen at their approach.

Granted, much of these emotions can be cast in many different lights (pun not intended), and we're taught that generalizations and stereotypes are bad.  Again, this is not my point.

Some of our most beautiful achievements are based on light.  When I say art, most people don't imagine a sonnet, or a musical piece, or even a good story.  No, they imagine a painting or a statue.  I've thought this curious.  Why are we such visual beings?  Simple heredity?  Or is there something more?

So what spurred this line of thought?  Something simple.  Last night, I emerged from the pitch black of the garage into a room flooded with moonlight.  I was physically awed by the sheer BEAUTY of it... the soft tones... the way everything was shrouded in light, yet not defined by it.  It was at this point that I realized something.

I am a creature of shadow... of moonlight.

Most folk are creatures of sunlight.  Of harsh definition.  I now reject this.  Moonlight is not light generated by the moon, but a reflection of sunlight.  The moon is the greatest thief in history, or perhaps the greatest negotiator, to get so much light for no cost.  Perhaps I look at this the wrong way, and the sun simply gives the moon its light.  That's probably a better way to look at it.  Again, I tangent off topic.

What is life?  Life is undefined, like love, like hate.  That which makes us human is not in our harsh definitions, but in our fluid-like emotional states, in our consciousness that melds understanding and flawed reasoning to understand the universe.  So much like my moonlight bathed dining room, undefined, yet knowable.  Shadowed, yet lit.

Made me want to dance with someone.  Made me want to profess something from a rooftop.  Made me wonder.

It was glorious.  A fine end to a flawed day.

I didn't think I would make it.

Here's the deal folks.  This house is not a home.  I come here to sleep, get yelled at, and to steal utilities.  I am over two decades old.  ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD I AM AN ADULT.

1.  I am to give.  GIVE.  Them money.  Just because they say.  Not even for rent.  Rent is separate.
2.  I am not allowed to eat after 8pm.  I don't get home till after 10.  This includes water.
3.  I am grounded from church.  CHURCH.
4.  I am to get my own cellphone plan by the end of the year.  Fuck me paying him for my line.
5.  I have a 10pm curfew, with a 'lights out' clause at the same time.  Once again.  I'm 21.  Try it.  I will end you.

Did I mention that I am to be loving and grateful for all the things I get?  Like bills and tuition and books and food and drinks
=D  These are a few of my least favorite things =)~

I think I'll be moving out before the end of the year.  Thought this would make me feel better.  It didn't.  Guess I'll go cause some pain and suffering on some cookies.  OH WAIT I FORGOT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO EAT THE COOKIES I BOUGHT.

Kiss the ones you love goodbye

I've always felt that a hug is the ultimate sign of trust.  Maybe that's because I know I can't defend myself against you if you decided to attack me.  A kiss is more a sign of "I'm willing to share everything with you, even tastes and illness."  A hug though... now if you're willing to make that much contact, put so much trust in a person to lower every defense you have, well now.  That's saying something.

That's why I don't trust people that don't hug.  It doesn't have to be a "Oh baby oh baby" embrace either.  Just a brief little "I have you, you have me, we trust each other."  Even one arm side hugs or bro-hugs (half embrace, half pat on the back) are acceptable.

It's hard to describe.  Maybe it's just me.  What do YOU think?

How things should be, and why they aren't

Once again I find myself disillusioned by the way things are and the way things aren't.  I try to be appropriate outside of joking manners, especially to people I like.  That goes double for ladies that I LIKE like.  Yeah, I pretend I'm in gradeschool for this shit, because the other ways of doing things seem idiotic.  I tried courting a lass again, and once again got crushed for it.  I saw it coming, but nothing ventured nothing gained I suppose.

So here's my philosophical arguing point for the night.  Society has dictated that if you are nice, respectful, and proper to a lady as a male, you are either A) taken, B) just friends, or C) homosexual.  Now, I have no problems with homosexuals, or even bisexuals.  I have a problem when people mistake me for homosexual.  I may not be homophobic, so to speak, but I do not care for males romantically.  AT ALL. End of discussion.  So pardon me for taking offense when I finally take a stand and tell a lass that I am interested in pursuing a romantic relationship and get "Oh... you aren't gay?" as a response.  It's only happened once, but once is too many.  I'm sorry I'm not an alpha male douchebag.

Ahem.  Sorry.  Back on topic.

That being said, I think I've figured out why I'm so... unwanted, I suppose is the way to put it.  The ladies my age (between 18 and 23-25) aren't interested in a nice guy.  Most of them anyway.  Why?  It's got little to do with conscious decision.  It's more genetic conditioning.  Alpha males survive in the wild, in nature, even in lower tech social societies (think dark ages, etc.).  However, today, the alpha males are less successful than the lone wolfs, than the weakling nerds, than the intellectuals.  Gender roles are nearly obsolete.  Granted, males will still lean towards physical labor and females will lean toward teaching rolls, but overall gender roles are irrelevant.  We are a society of intellectuals, of scientists, not of brute force.

Still, it's hard to break millions of years of social conditioning.  Even males have the same problem.  We seek not the smartest female, but the most 'attractive', the most fertile.  Why?  Because we are still in the mindset of survival of the fittest, not survival of the smartest.

I may not be completely unbiased here, but think about it.  Honestly.  It's just you here, so why not tell yourself the complete unadulterated truth.  Guys, you want the big breasted, hourglass figured woman.  Why? Because those are physical signs of fertility, and how we've been raised to perceive a mother figure.  Girls, you want the strong, physically fit, domineering alpha male.  Why?  Because his genetic material gives your offspring the best chance of survival in a natural environment.

Now... there's nothing necessarily wrong with this, just like on paper, there's absolutely no reason for communism not to work.  The problem arises from our current state of being.  We are not in a wild, hunter gatherer, survival of the fittest environment any longer.  As I said, we're a society of intellectuals, not of hunters.

It seems to me that 'older' (25+) women come to realize this fun fact.  Really realize it.  They've probably known consciously for a long time, but never came to terms or realized it.  The alpha males are great genetic material... physically, at least.  There is, however, usually a trade off.  That trade off often comes in the form of how they treat their significant other.  I've often said I'm tired of seeing women (and some men) treated like dirt, and accept being treated that way because they think it's the status quo, or that they can't do any better, or that it will get better or stop with time.

This is a foolish hope.  People do change, but it's always a subtle shift from one thing to another.  Granted, there are outliers here where someone goes from one extreme to another, but most often it's a very gradual change.  Take alcoholism as an example.  A bit extreme perhaps, but a good enough analogy I think.  There's what, seven steps in AA?  How long does it take to change something that you can physically SEE damaging your health?  Months? Years?  Being an alpha male is much the same.  Power is addicting.  Hurting others can be a drug all its own.

For my final point, I think I'll touch on love.  First of all, I hate the word love.  I think I wrote a whole post on it before.  The word 'love' has become a cliche.  No, it really has.  I'm not the first to say this either.

I love ice cream.  I love pizza.  I love my friends.  I love my teacher.  I love my parents.  I love my car.  I love my computer.  I love my socks.  I love you.  I love laughing.  I love your hair.

See?

That being said, I'm forced to use the term love here.  I want to love someone so badly... not make love to them.  What I want is pure, unadulterated, unquenchable love.  True adoration.  I want to walk into the room, see them, and be complete.  I want to find someone to hold my hands in public and smile just because they're with me.  I want to smile when I'm doing things I hate because they're there.  I want to belong to someone, and they to me, and make two become one.

I I I I I me me me me me want want want.  It's a selfish thing to want to love someone.  I want to give someone my heart that they may keep it warm and safe.  I love a lot of people, but it's not the same.  I love them so much I want them to be happy, even if it's not with me.  I love someone so much it hurts because I know it will never again be the way it was, and given the chance, seeing how happy they are now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

What I want may not be what I need.  I have what I need.  I have food, clothes, shelter.  I have companionship, to one extent or another.

How much better, though, would all of that be, if there were someone I could share my entire being with?

And now it's joke time.  Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Fade to black.
- Watchmen: Rorschach, speaking of the death of the Comedian.