While I was gone, I learned many things about both myself and others I care a lot about. I'm not trying to say "WOO GOD MADE ME BETTER IN ONE WEEKEND". If you knew my particular views on 'God', you'd laugh yourself silly at the folk who think that. So let's talk about that for a moment.
For the last three years I've been varying degrees of atheist. If I wasn't straight up "There is no God, no higher divine being, nothing", then I was "If there is, He/She/It has way better things to do than get involved in our little blips on the tapestry that is time." Relatively speaking, every individual is insignificant. Why, then, would the creator of the multi-verse take time on we grains of sand upon a grain of sand?
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? -Epicurus
This is the stand I took when it came to faith and religion. Yes, religion teaches us proper morals; do not kill, do not steal. These are tenants that every man and woman of every creed can accept as good and right.
Well, several weeks ago, over the course of several hours, my closest friend and I had an... existential discussion about the intangible. During this discussion, a cop came over and questioned us... it was awesome.
Long story short, I'm still not happy with the 'Fluffy God', but I'm definitely not an atheist or a... whatever.
So we go on retreat, and a man who I respect more than anyone else on the planet, a man who speaks truth no matter what people think, a man who told me "Shit happens. Pick yourself up when no one else will. You woke up this morning. By God that's better than some folk can say, so it must be a damn fine day." and more importantly made me believe it. I trust this man implicitly. Why? Because he's so passionate about truth. He knows he's fallible.
This is a man I think of as a great creature of myth. He is wise beyond reason, powerful simply in presence... Easily angered but never unjustly. He doesn't give out compliments lightly. In fact, I don't think I've ever heard him give anyone a direct compliment.
So his words this weekend really hit me hard. Hard enough to leave me, quite literally, shaken. He said to me, near as I can recount, "Matthew... if I had to describe you, I'd say you were like a... like a tree. You don't say much, ever. You're a creature of nigh infinite patience... For Christ's sake, you're still listening to me. You're wise far beyond your years. You've got deep, strong roots, ... and you'll always be there. You're the kind of person that, if I ever needed anything, a shoulder to cry on or someone to watch my back... well, I'd want you on my side."
I don't take praise well... I get little enough of it, and I just don't know how to respond to it. I looked at him, saw the sincerity in his eyes... and my brain did a neat little skidding stop. It just quit. To have someone who wouldn't hesitate to tell you you're an imbecile and explain in no uncertain terms just where he thought you could stick your bullshit tell you that he not only trusts you but respects you... There aren't words for it.
I went through most of the rest of the day in a daze. Shortly before dinner, I started shaking. Then, later in the night, I cried. I didn't just cry... this was the first time I had cried in years. Certainly there have been tears... but nothing like this. I've been crushing my emotions behind walls, building dams and aqueducts to keep them in check, hidden. With a few sincere words, he broke the dam. It feels good to be free, if not a little terrifying. In less than a week I've been hurt again... but without pain, what worth does love have?
So thank you Papa Bear. You'll probably never read this... but thank you. I know now who I want to be, and have a pretty good guess about who I am. I've always had an inkling, but never in such certain terms.
I am a tree.
I am a tree.
