Con. 1 retreat

Last weekend was St. Phillip's Confirmation 1's first retreat, and the first retreat I had been on in a while.

While I was gone, I learned many things about both myself and others I care a lot about.  I'm not trying to say "WOO GOD MADE ME BETTER IN ONE WEEKEND".  If you knew my particular views on 'God', you'd laugh yourself silly at the folk who think that.  So let's talk about that for a moment.

For the last three years I've been varying degrees of atheist.  If I wasn't straight up "There is no God, no higher divine being, nothing", then I was "If there is, He/She/It has way better things to do than get involved in our little blips on the tapestry that is time."  Relatively speaking, every individual is insignificant.  Why, then, would the creator of the multi-verse take time on we grains of sand upon a grain of sand?


Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? -Epicurus


This is the stand I took when it came to faith and religion. Yes, religion teaches us proper morals; do not kill, do not steal.  These are tenants that every man and woman of every creed can accept as good and right.

Well, several weeks ago, over the course of several hours, my closest friend and I had an... existential discussion about the intangible.  During this discussion, a cop came over and questioned us... it was awesome.

Long story short, I'm still not happy with the 'Fluffy God', but I'm definitely not an atheist or a... whatever.

So we go on retreat, and a man who I respect more than anyone else on the planet, a man who speaks truth no matter what people think, a man who told me "Shit happens.  Pick yourself up when no one else will.  You woke up this morning.  By God that's better than some folk can say, so it must be a damn fine day."  and more importantly made me believe it.  I trust this man implicitly.  Why?  Because he's so passionate about truth.  He knows he's fallible.

This is a man I think of as a great creature of myth.  He is wise beyond reason, powerful simply in presence... Easily angered but never unjustly.  He doesn't give out compliments lightly.  In fact, I don't think I've ever heard him give anyone a direct compliment.

So his words this weekend really hit me hard.  Hard enough to leave me, quite literally, shaken.  He said to me, near as I can recount, "Matthew... if I had to describe you, I'd say you were like a... like a tree.  You don't say much, ever.  You're a creature of nigh infinite patience... For Christ's sake, you're still listening to me.  You're wise far beyond your years.  You've got deep, strong roots, ... and you'll always be there.  You're the kind of person that, if I ever needed anything, a shoulder to cry on or someone to watch my back... well, I'd want you on my side."

I don't take praise well... I get little enough of it, and I just don't know how to respond to it.  I looked at him, saw the sincerity in his eyes... and my brain did a neat little skidding stop.  It just quit.  To have someone who wouldn't hesitate to tell you you're an imbecile and explain in no uncertain terms just where he thought you could stick your bullshit tell you that he not only trusts you but respects you... There aren't words for it.

I went through most of the rest of the day in a daze.  Shortly before dinner, I started shaking.  Then, later in the night, I cried.  I didn't just cry... this was the first time I had cried in years.  Certainly there have been tears... but nothing like this.  I've been crushing my emotions behind walls, building dams and aqueducts to keep them in check, hidden.  With a few sincere words, he broke the dam.  It feels good to be free, if not a little terrifying.  In less than a week I've been hurt again... but without pain, what worth does love have?

So thank you Papa Bear.  You'll probably never read this... but thank you.  I know now who I want to be, and have a pretty good guess about who I am.  I've always had an inkling, but never in such certain terms.

I am a tree.

Who am I?

I still struggle with this question.  Granted, the first thing that comes to mind is my old standby: I am me.  I am the actions that I have taken thus far.  I may not be a great man, or even good, but I'm okay.  I am intelligent by most scales.  I am a six foot something, twenty one winters old.  I am a male human who is proficient with computerized technology and has an impressive if not stellar skill list.

Yet while these may define the physical manifestation of me, and may answer the question of WHAT I am... they are not me.  So who am I?  My mind is scattered, I am aware of this.  My heart is shattered, I am aware of this.  I am a hopeless romantic, a fool, a protector, a comedian, and a thinker.  Yet... It's never good enough.

What I want to be has changed drastically over the years.  First, I wanted to be the comedian, the jester.  Seeing the smiles on faces at a well timed joke, pun, or funny story made me happy, joyful even.

Then I wanted to be the philosopher.  The thinker.  I found the taste left in my mouth was bitter, and soon gave that up.

Now I want to be the physicist... defining the world in quantifiable measures, theorizing about the nature of the universe.

Once again, these don't define who I am, just what I do.

Ah well.  Existentialism doesn't suit me.  I am who I am.  I think therefore I am, I feel therefore I am alive.  I hurt, therefore I love.

On a side note: I want to shout something from a rooftop, yet I find the rooftops decidedly uninviting.  I'm tired of schoolyard antics and rumors.  That being said, my plan worked.  I found the two likely sources.  Suffice to say, I am disappointed yet unsurprised.

It's a brand new me

I've decided on my Halloween costume.  Dr. Horrible.  That is all.

Light

Light is an.... interesting concept, to say the least.  We are creatures of light, are we not?  I do not mean in the metaphorical sense, where someone "of the Light" is a good person.  No, I mean this literally.  We evolved with eyes with which to see.  This, however, is not my point.

Light can be powerful, overbearing.  It can be subtle.  It can enhance our emotions... Take, for example, a walk down the street.  If the light is blindingly bright, say the rising sun is in your eyes, you tread more carefully.  If the light were just right, that warm, bright type of light brought on by mid morning or mid afternoon, you are more confident in your steps.  If, however, that light is darker, the kind of light where shadows breed, then... then we see the fear.  Someone passes you on the sidewalk in mid day, are we not more inclined to smile and nod at them?  Someone passes you on the sidewalk at midnight, we are more like to clutch our purses close, check our wallets, finger our keys, stiffen at their approach.

Granted, much of these emotions can be cast in many different lights (pun not intended), and we're taught that generalizations and stereotypes are bad.  Again, this is not my point.

Some of our most beautiful achievements are based on light.  When I say art, most people don't imagine a sonnet, or a musical piece, or even a good story.  No, they imagine a painting or a statue.  I've thought this curious.  Why are we such visual beings?  Simple heredity?  Or is there something more?

So what spurred this line of thought?  Something simple.  Last night, I emerged from the pitch black of the garage into a room flooded with moonlight.  I was physically awed by the sheer BEAUTY of it... the soft tones... the way everything was shrouded in light, yet not defined by it.  It was at this point that I realized something.

I am a creature of shadow... of moonlight.

Most folk are creatures of sunlight.  Of harsh definition.  I now reject this.  Moonlight is not light generated by the moon, but a reflection of sunlight.  The moon is the greatest thief in history, or perhaps the greatest negotiator, to get so much light for no cost.  Perhaps I look at this the wrong way, and the sun simply gives the moon its light.  That's probably a better way to look at it.  Again, I tangent off topic.

What is life?  Life is undefined, like love, like hate.  That which makes us human is not in our harsh definitions, but in our fluid-like emotional states, in our consciousness that melds understanding and flawed reasoning to understand the universe.  So much like my moonlight bathed dining room, undefined, yet knowable.  Shadowed, yet lit.

Made me want to dance with someone.  Made me want to profess something from a rooftop.  Made me wonder.

It was glorious.  A fine end to a flawed day.

I didn't think I would make it.

Here's the deal folks.  This house is not a home.  I come here to sleep, get yelled at, and to steal utilities.  I am over two decades old.  ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD I AM AN ADULT.

1.  I am to give.  GIVE.  Them money.  Just because they say.  Not even for rent.  Rent is separate.
2.  I am not allowed to eat after 8pm.  I don't get home till after 10.  This includes water.
3.  I am grounded from church.  CHURCH.
4.  I am to get my own cellphone plan by the end of the year.  Fuck me paying him for my line.
5.  I have a 10pm curfew, with a 'lights out' clause at the same time.  Once again.  I'm 21.  Try it.  I will end you.

Did I mention that I am to be loving and grateful for all the things I get?  Like bills and tuition and books and food and drinks
=D  These are a few of my least favorite things =)~

I think I'll be moving out before the end of the year.  Thought this would make me feel better.  It didn't.  Guess I'll go cause some pain and suffering on some cookies.  OH WAIT I FORGOT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO EAT THE COOKIES I BOUGHT.

Kiss the ones you love goodbye

I've always felt that a hug is the ultimate sign of trust.  Maybe that's because I know I can't defend myself against you if you decided to attack me.  A kiss is more a sign of "I'm willing to share everything with you, even tastes and illness."  A hug though... now if you're willing to make that much contact, put so much trust in a person to lower every defense you have, well now.  That's saying something.

That's why I don't trust people that don't hug.  It doesn't have to be a "Oh baby oh baby" embrace either.  Just a brief little "I have you, you have me, we trust each other."  Even one arm side hugs or bro-hugs (half embrace, half pat on the back) are acceptable.

It's hard to describe.  Maybe it's just me.  What do YOU think?

How things should be, and why they aren't

Once again I find myself disillusioned by the way things are and the way things aren't.  I try to be appropriate outside of joking manners, especially to people I like.  That goes double for ladies that I LIKE like.  Yeah, I pretend I'm in gradeschool for this shit, because the other ways of doing things seem idiotic.  I tried courting a lass again, and once again got crushed for it.  I saw it coming, but nothing ventured nothing gained I suppose.

So here's my philosophical arguing point for the night.  Society has dictated that if you are nice, respectful, and proper to a lady as a male, you are either A) taken, B) just friends, or C) homosexual.  Now, I have no problems with homosexuals, or even bisexuals.  I have a problem when people mistake me for homosexual.  I may not be homophobic, so to speak, but I do not care for males romantically.  AT ALL. End of discussion.  So pardon me for taking offense when I finally take a stand and tell a lass that I am interested in pursuing a romantic relationship and get "Oh... you aren't gay?" as a response.  It's only happened once, but once is too many.  I'm sorry I'm not an alpha male douchebag.

Ahem.  Sorry.  Back on topic.

That being said, I think I've figured out why I'm so... unwanted, I suppose is the way to put it.  The ladies my age (between 18 and 23-25) aren't interested in a nice guy.  Most of them anyway.  Why?  It's got little to do with conscious decision.  It's more genetic conditioning.  Alpha males survive in the wild, in nature, even in lower tech social societies (think dark ages, etc.).  However, today, the alpha males are less successful than the lone wolfs, than the weakling nerds, than the intellectuals.  Gender roles are nearly obsolete.  Granted, males will still lean towards physical labor and females will lean toward teaching rolls, but overall gender roles are irrelevant.  We are a society of intellectuals, of scientists, not of brute force.

Still, it's hard to break millions of years of social conditioning.  Even males have the same problem.  We seek not the smartest female, but the most 'attractive', the most fertile.  Why?  Because we are still in the mindset of survival of the fittest, not survival of the smartest.

I may not be completely unbiased here, but think about it.  Honestly.  It's just you here, so why not tell yourself the complete unadulterated truth.  Guys, you want the big breasted, hourglass figured woman.  Why? Because those are physical signs of fertility, and how we've been raised to perceive a mother figure.  Girls, you want the strong, physically fit, domineering alpha male.  Why?  Because his genetic material gives your offspring the best chance of survival in a natural environment.

Now... there's nothing necessarily wrong with this, just like on paper, there's absolutely no reason for communism not to work.  The problem arises from our current state of being.  We are not in a wild, hunter gatherer, survival of the fittest environment any longer.  As I said, we're a society of intellectuals, not of hunters.

It seems to me that 'older' (25+) women come to realize this fun fact.  Really realize it.  They've probably known consciously for a long time, but never came to terms or realized it.  The alpha males are great genetic material... physically, at least.  There is, however, usually a trade off.  That trade off often comes in the form of how they treat their significant other.  I've often said I'm tired of seeing women (and some men) treated like dirt, and accept being treated that way because they think it's the status quo, or that they can't do any better, or that it will get better or stop with time.

This is a foolish hope.  People do change, but it's always a subtle shift from one thing to another.  Granted, there are outliers here where someone goes from one extreme to another, but most often it's a very gradual change.  Take alcoholism as an example.  A bit extreme perhaps, but a good enough analogy I think.  There's what, seven steps in AA?  How long does it take to change something that you can physically SEE damaging your health?  Months? Years?  Being an alpha male is much the same.  Power is addicting.  Hurting others can be a drug all its own.

For my final point, I think I'll touch on love.  First of all, I hate the word love.  I think I wrote a whole post on it before.  The word 'love' has become a cliche.  No, it really has.  I'm not the first to say this either.

I love ice cream.  I love pizza.  I love my friends.  I love my teacher.  I love my parents.  I love my car.  I love my computer.  I love my socks.  I love you.  I love laughing.  I love your hair.

See?

That being said, I'm forced to use the term love here.  I want to love someone so badly... not make love to them.  What I want is pure, unadulterated, unquenchable love.  True adoration.  I want to walk into the room, see them, and be complete.  I want to find someone to hold my hands in public and smile just because they're with me.  I want to smile when I'm doing things I hate because they're there.  I want to belong to someone, and they to me, and make two become one.

I I I I I me me me me me want want want.  It's a selfish thing to want to love someone.  I want to give someone my heart that they may keep it warm and safe.  I love a lot of people, but it's not the same.  I love them so much I want them to be happy, even if it's not with me.  I love someone so much it hurts because I know it will never again be the way it was, and given the chance, seeing how happy they are now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

What I want may not be what I need.  I have what I need.  I have food, clothes, shelter.  I have companionship, to one extent or another.

How much better, though, would all of that be, if there were someone I could share my entire being with?

And now it's joke time.  Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Fade to black.
- Watchmen: Rorschach, speaking of the death of the Comedian.

Still a fool

Looks like all my worst fears were correct.  Things were supposed to get easier and better once dad's girlfriend moved in.  Sadly, this is not the case.  In fact, just like my (you call it pessimistic) realistic side said, it's gotten worse.

Thankfully, it looks like things are gonna work out though.  I have some friends that are looking at getting a house and who have offered me a room on the cheap.  With this new job (and the fact that the friend is going to help me get a better job come summer), things might get better a lot faster than I'm ready for.  We'll see what the 'morrow brings though.

Until next time, stay foolish.  We're all that's left of humanity.

From bad to worse and back again

Things are starting to look up after a pretty long downer run.  Last night, one of my closest friend's daughter made my week.  Let me paint the scene for you.

Perry was carrying his daughter, Jaina, who is six months old.  Jaina, mind you, TOTALLY has the same birthday as me :D.  Anyway.  So she's in his arms, and I walk by.  She starts making her "I want" noise, and reaching for me, but I had walked away, so she starts making this pitiful whining noise.  So I walked back over and she starts going "UNGH!" and like reaching for me.  Then she about jumps out of Perry's arms!  So I finally take her and she makes the "Yay!" face.  Ohmahgawsh.  Best.  Night.  Ever.

Then this morning I find out I probably have a job at a daycare.  It's not quite enough hours, and it's more a tutoring position than daycare, and it's across town, and it's only when school is in session... and the hours are shit, the worst time for traffic.  But you know what?  It's better than what I have now.  I won't be able to move out, but I'll be able to start saving.

So things are looking up.  For now.  :)

I must be insane.

I do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.  Oh well, such is life.

Why on earth would you do that?

What a disaster it would be if you discovered that I cared a little too much for friends.  What a calamity it will be when you see what he does to you and what your friends do for you.  Do you remember how we met?  I was thinking about that and a million other things.  I need to pour out this heart, it's full to bursting.  So what are you doing?  How can you treat yourself this way?  Make no mistake, it IS your fault, even if it's an accident, or a mistake.  That's the thing about free will... we're responsible for what we do even when we don't realize what we're doing.  Don't think the ring on your finger means it's okay for him to treat you like shit.  Don't think that he's the best you can do, or that he'll change.  People change.  Change takes time.  There was no time for him to change.  Now there's no reason for him to change.  Why would he?  He already has you.  You fight, he apologizes, you forgive him, then the circle repeats.  I've been there.  It's easier to forget the bad times when you can pretend that being alone would be worse.  The best part?  You wouldn't be by yourself.  You'd probably be less alone than you are now.


I'm scared.  Terrified that you blind yourself to the truth for what ifs, for fear of being alone again, convincing yourself that things will get better, that he'll 'get over it', that you'll learn to live with it.  Then one day, you'll decide it's too late.  You don't want to leave because you don't want your kids to have the same childhood you did.  One day, you'll give up on yourself, convinced that even if you leave you won't be happy.  One day, you'll look back and say "I've devoted so much of my life to this... I can't just walk away from it."  This terrifies me.

Everyone told me to stop caring.  To let people do what they want, no matter how destructive it is, and as long as I say "I don't approve" I've done all I can.  I can't accept that.  I'd rather be the friend that does what you need me to even if that means you'll hate me in the end, than the friend that stands idly by, lets you get hurt, and says "told you so."

With great power comes great responsibility.  With little power comes greater responsibility.  To stand by and let something terrible happen while you have even a chance to stop it is just as bad as doing it yourself.  So no, I can't stop caring.  Not until I'm dead.  Even then, I'm not sure I'll stop.  That's who I am.  Who are you?

I don't want you to want me.  I want you to be happy.  I'm sure we've all heard that line before.  Here's the trick; I mean it.  You might be able to convince yourself that you're happy, or that the good times outweigh the bad.  I've been there too.  They don't.  It took something outrageous to show me that.  Even then, I tried to convince myself to stay, that I could change her, it's a phase, she's sorry.  Not because I feared being alone, but because I feared her being alone.  I cared too much.  Then I realized... she'd be like this no matter who she was with, no matter what the circumstances, and nothing I do or say will change her... she has to be the one to do it.  I didn't close any doors, I simply stepped out of the room.

If you're the praying type, don't pray for me.

Pray for her to see him for what he is.  I hope with all my heart that he changes, grows up, and treats her right.  I know with all my heart he won't.  Not for you, not for me, not for anyone.

And no, you don't know what I'm talking about.  You just think you do.  And no, I won't tell you what I'm talking about.  That is between me, my irrational heart, and my fractured mind.  I just hope who needs to reads this and sees.  I know they probably won't.  Me and the patron saint of lost causes have that in common.

Writers block.

I should make one, and market it.  That is all.

There are some things I will never be.

There are other, more important things that I will always be.  I will always be a dreamer.  In my dreams, I am free. I can imagine, wander to the ends of the universe, lose myself in a world far removed from our reality.  I will always be a thinker.  In my mind, I am free.  I can ponder, question truth, believe.  I will always love.  In my heart, I am chained. Prisoner to what could be, what might have been, what should have happened, what cannot be allowed to happen.

I once said that I had a glass heart.  You can see right through it.  Years ago, I shattered that heart to set someone free.  I've done my best to rebuild it, but it's like sewing up a wound you can't quite reach... you really need someone else to do it.

There's a funny thing about truth you should all know.  If someone asks me a question they won't like the answer to, I try not to twist the truth or tell white lies.  I always ask "That depends.  Would you prefer the truth or a lie?"  Their response is always "The truth of course!".  This is, of course, a lie.  No one likes to hear truth when it hurts.  No one likes to hear they're wrong, or harsh truths like "you're a bit overweight", "you smell.  bad.", "you're acting like a fool."

These things are no less true because you don't want to hear them.  This is why we are taught to be tactful.  This is why we dance around each other.  More importantly, this is why we play our games of he said she said, double talk, half truths and outright lies.

Even more important is how we react to truth.  I believe what I believe.  That is my truth.  You believe what you believe.  I had a conversation with someone once.  I told them I had a problem with what they were doing, and laid out my argument as to why.  The topic at hand was not a cut and dry black and white topic, mind you.  Their response to every single one of my arguments was "I feel you're wrong.  I think I'm right.  I think this, I feel that, I want it to be this way so it is."  Unfortunately, we are no longer friends because they refused to hear the truth of my words.

You may be wondering how my truth was any better than what they felt, and what they believed.  My truth was no better.  It was still truth.  The problem arose not from their disbelief of my truth, but of refusing to even consider my truth.  Therein lies most of our social problems.  No one asks "Why do you feel that way?", and even more often, when asked "Why do you feel that way?" can't come up with an answer beyond "I feel its right".

Sometimes, that's all that's needed, that you feel it's right.  Other times...

I once did what I felt was right.  I shattered my heart to free someone.  I regret that choice every day.  At the moment I did it, it felt right.  It felt like the best course of action.  If I had talked it over with one other person, maybe I'd have seen it from a different point of view and seen how terrible that truth was.

There is great power in truth.  With that, as we all know, comes great responsibility.

I would rather be the friend that did or said what you needed me to, rather than the friend that did or said what you wanted me to.

Still.  Sometimes withholding small truths are better courses of action than shouting it to the world.  There are no absolutes when it comes to people.  Life is not mathematical, as much as I wish it were.  Love is not logical, though sometimes it can mistaken for logic.  I don't speak of just romantic love here, I speak of friendships, of parent child relationships.

We've always been told that honesty is the best policy.  Why, then, are we nearly always punished for telling truths?

Incredibad

I know I'm not supposed to be bitter when friends are successful, but damnit, I'm pretty bitter about this one.  I've been job hunting pretty actively over the last 6-8 months.  One of my super pals was job hunting for a week and was hired.  wtf?  I'll tell you wtf.  I'm a college student, so I carry that party hard stereotype.  I'm a bigger white guy, so I carry the stereotype of intimidation/jock.  I ride a motorcycle, and I'm young, so I carry the stereotype of a thrillseeking dumbass.  Oh, and my resume and professionalism makes the hiring manager look like a moron.

Not saying my super pal didn't deserve the job.  Not even saying my super pal doesn't make managers look like morons.  Just bitter and angry.  /endrant

I am the Nightmare.

I hate this time of year.  I do.  I'm an asthmatic in one of the top ten worst air quality cities in the country, if not the world.  During summer, most days I can hardly step outside without my inhaler on hand, and if I do anything more strenuous than walk I have a terrible attack.  Or if a cat has passed in the area within the last fortnight (I'm over exaggerating here, I wanted to use the word fortnight.  I am highly allergic to cats though...).

Anyway.  Fireworks are pretty awesome.  It's controlled (mostly), fire-y explosions.  However, when everybody on the whole damn planet is lighting them off, the smoke is thicker than fog and you can almost burn more calories trying to push your way ten meters through it than you would sprinting on a treadmill for an hour.

So guess what that means for me?  Yep... pretty much death for the next two days or so.

My lovely father, his girlfriend and her family are up in a town about an hours drive away, partying with massive amounts of barbecue and explosives just like the founding fathers would have wanted.  I stayed home so I could shut the house up and pray that I can keep most of the bad air out for at least today and most of tomorrow.  However, none of them get that, and I keep getting teased for being anti social and told that I need to rejoin society (not just this weekend mind you, this is a recurring theme.)  I'm sorry, but blowing things up and watching the married couples do their thing is not my idea of social.

I had my first bout of scary alcohol poisoning the other night.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and I was more angry that I couldn't get to sleep than I was about puking my guts out.  Either way, I now know my red line limit in addition to my safe limit!  Whee!

So yay American independence from those nasty British (who aren't really that bad to be perfectly honest), I still want to move to friggin Canada (love what America stands for but hate the implementation, story for another time), boo fucktastic air quality, and wish me luck on finding a job this week.

Heck, at this point, I'd take leaving the house without dying tomorrow as the condition for tomorrow being a good day or not.  That made a lot more sense in my head than it did after I wrote it.

Signs for stuff and things.

Not really sure how to start off todays rant of choice, so I'll just jump right into it.

I'm bipolar.  I've known that for a while now.  Sadly, I'm not bipolar 1 (more commonly called manic/depressant) where you go through bad lows and amazing highs.  No, I'm bipolar 2, which is depressant/more depressant.  I'm lucky to get a two day run of normal.  I don't tell you this so you go "awe... poor fool".  I tell you so you can understand.  Support I'll take.  Don't patronize me, don't pity me.  =)

So the last two weeks have been hyper depressed weeks.  I find it funny because while most people are enjoying they're summer breaks or getting ready to party all weekend, I had two weeks off before my school starts back up this Sunday.  What did I do over these two weeks?  I moved furniture.  A lot of furniture.  Furniture that isn't mine.  I offered to do someone a favor and got stiffed hardcore on it.  Still, whatever, karma points for me right?  Wrong.

Some good things happened over these two weeks too.  My buddies are in town, and I spent a good chunk of my free time hanging out with them.  The rest of my free time was spent either looking for a job or sleeping.  Moving on.

I was having a conversation with a friend a few days ago, a friend who is happily married and has had most everything handed to him on a silver platter.  He's very naive to the way of the world because he's been sheltered all his life.  During our conversation, I brought up that I am smitten with a lass, and the only reason I don't ask her out is that I get the impression she just wants to be friends and doesn't see me in that romantic light (a story for another time).  I made the joke of "how could she resist me!  I'm unemployed, love cartoons, play video games, and I'm slightly overweight!"  His response was something along the lines of "And you wonder why you're still single."

No, I don't actually wonder why I'm still single.  I know why I'm still single, and why I have very few friends.  It's simple statistics.  I am an intelligent, kind, caring, oversensitive romantic.  Most males aren't and most females my age want an exciting guy, cute guy, guy with stupid amounts of money, etc.  The females my age that know what they want and know what they're missing out on/doing to themselves in these relationships where they're unhappy are a minority, if not an outlier.  Males like me are also outliers, social outcasts (partially by choice).

I know that's not the only reason.  I'm unemployed... there's not a lot I can do about that.  I've filled out over 30 job applications (and followed up on them) in the past two weeks, if not more.  Thanks to our wonderful economy, the probability of me getting a job is slim to nill.  I live at home, so I don't have my own place where people can come over and hang out, or a place where I can be me and do the things I want without getting judged.  These, however, are things that I can change given time and not a little bit of luck, and I'm working on that.

Like I mentioned earlier, I'm a bit overweight.  A lot of my problem is that all of my fat is in my torso, and it looks terrible.  The rest of my body (at least muscle/fat ratio wise) looks decent enough in my humble opinion.  I've been doing exercises and changing my diet to work on that, and it's helping, but as anyone will tell you doing it right takes time.

The nerd thing is MY thing god damnit.  I am a nerd.  You don't like it, go fuck yourself, I probably don't like what you do for fun but I sure as hell don't begrudge you for it.  For example, I hate working on cars.  My dad LOVES working on cars.  He thinks I'm less of a man and less of a human being because I loathe working on cars.  I'm happy that he likes working on cars, why can't he be happy that I feel the same way about computers?  What makes me furious is he constantly asks me to work on his computer, but then turns right around and makes fun of me or belittles me for choosing that as my hobby rather than cars or working out or chasing loose women.  I am me.  You are you.  Respect it or leave me the hell alone, and I'll do the same for you.

Sidetracked there a bit.  Sorry.  The next big part of why I'm still lonely 75% of the time (talking about friends here as well, not just romantic partners) is that I can't go out, or if I do I have to leech off of everyone else.  I'm flat broke, and there's not much I can do about it that I'm not already.  This town is horrid for free passtimes.  Nothing is free here.  Parks are so few and far between (and usually shitty), that you need to fill up on gas, buy bottled water, even if you just pack a lunch that lunch had to come from somewhere, and that means more money.  I don't care how cheap it is to do something, but $0 won't cover it.  So I don't hardly get out at all.  The college youth group I go to has helped a LOT in that respect, but that's only once a week and I don't see or talk to hardly anybody from it outside of our scheduled meeting times.  I'm trying to change that but everyone wants to meet somewhere, and again that takes money.

Finally, I have no money.  That seems to be a recurring theme, but look at it this way... say I want to take a girl out to dinner.  I can't say "hey, can I take you out to a nice dinner?"  or "how bout I take you to the movies?"  The best I can do is offer to make them dinner, but again with living at home that's not exactly a great option, especially with how my parent and brother act (especially if I brought a girl home).  So I can scrimp and save and be able to do one thing every two weeks (give or take).  So what then?  Every two weeks I take a stab in the dark and hope it works out?  Or do I use that money to.. you know... eat?  Or buy clothes that I desperately need to increase my chances at getting a job?  Or save up enough money to put my car back on the road so I can fill out applications in parking lots and not have to wear a backpack around or show up with helmet hair sun burnt?

All these questions are rhetorical of course.  I don't expect answers.  I'm just lost.  All I can do right now is hold on, scratch and claw my way along school and hope I find work somewhere.  Maybe I'll even fuck around and end up in a relationship.

Whatever.  Hopefully, this weekend I'll be able to use my five dollars of fun money for the month to get blackout drunk.  Maybe Rite-Aid will have a sale on Tennessee whiskey again.  3 dollars for a gallon of whiskey.

Oh, and to everybody that is gonna give me the whole "You shouldn't hide in a bottle" or some similar line?  Don't.  I'm a big boy.  I haven't had a drink in well over two months.  I haven't gotten drunk in longer.  Also, it's none of your damn business.

So screw it all.  Let the good times roll.  I haven't lost hope for humanity, but I most definitely have lost faith in it.  I know there are people out there who agree with what I'm saying, I know there are people out there who think I'm full of shit or having a pity party.  I know there are people out there that don't care what I think, and don't care if they knock up that girl or if they're an ice queen or if they OD on heroin or who they destroy so long as they get ahead.

I also know that a lot of my friends won't understand this post, and will flip out, because they haven't experienced what I have, haven't lost what I have, and are in a good, happy place.  I hope they never leave that place, and never understand what I'm saying.  I didn't write this for them, I wrote it to get it out, and in the hopes that someone out there in internet land is having as hard a time as I am and needs to know they aren't alone.

So until next time, I'll leave you with this.  I look back on my life and I am proud of the person I am, of the good things I have done.  I am ashamed of the terrible thing I did, of the bad things I've done, and of the times  I've hurt people, either intentionally or unintentionally.  If I were to die tonight, I would be able to look back on my life and say yes, I've done more good than ill and left the world slightly better than I left it, even if it's in an intangible way.  Am I happy with my life?  Fuck no.  Am I satisfied with the person I am?  Fuck yeah.

So do me a favor.  Ask yourself, are you happy with the person you are?  Really?  If not, you better get shit straight.

Stuff's happenin

Didn't get the job I was promised.  Still have too much to do.  Blah blah blah poor me whatever.  Friends are back in town on summer break, I'm still going to school.  Joke's on them though, I'll be done a year earlier!

i hate this economy with a passion

Hate is a strong word but it's completely appropriate for this situation.  Made it down to the place I'm gonna apply (think construction, but like roads and stuff) as a rock picker (I walk behind a machine and throw rocks it misses into it) for stupid amounts of money, only to find out that 1. they require a ten year driving record (not that you've been driving for 10 years, just the history) which I don't have and 2. all their positions have been filled, but I'm more than welcome to put in an app.  That being said though, the job and the climate here are so shitty that they have a lot of people just stop showing up to work, so it's still worth filling out the app (which is 30 pages long and includes a questionnaire).  On the way over there I almost got splattered by a tow truck driver.  He saw me, he just didn't care.  This is why I hate people.  Not persons, I'm sure the guy is actually quite nice in person, but he was a people.

So now I have an interesting v neck sun burn, and since I wear fingerless gloves on my motorcycle since it so damn hot, it looks like I'm wearing white gloves and painted my hand pink.  Whee!

whee updates

trying to find time to start a srs bsns blog rather than having my rantings alongside my vg reviews... speaking of rants... wtf why can't my body cut me a break for a change?  I was supposed to be somewhere over an hour ago and my stomach is like "You think your BRAIN controls you?  You're funny.  Hope your brain can keep you from puking in your helmet!"  fml.

Had a weird dream last night.

Essentially, I was a stage hand in this big ice skating/play production.  Think Disney on ice, but more adult oriented.  Anyhow, the final act guy didn't show up, who happened to be the same clothes size as me, so I ended up in a tux with ice skates... pretending to be a penguin on ice.  Weird right?  That's not even the best part.  The best part is I didn't know anything about the play itself or the part I was supposed to be playing so essentially I was told "just skate around and look pretty, the voiceover will do the rest."  Then I find out (while skating mind you) that the final part of my sudden appearance on stage includes bringing out three bigwigs.  One I didn't know, some woman my brain made up.  The other was President Obama, which I was like 'meh whatever'.  Finally they bring out the legend Mr. Stan Lee, and I nearly wet myself with glee.  "Excuse me Mr. President, if I'm not mistaken that's Stan fucking Lee."  Skating over, I shake his hand and nearly cry.  How would you react if you got a chance to shake Stan Lee's hand?  Don't judge.

Anyway.  After that the rest of the massive cast was brought out, and the guy who I replaced had showed up.  During the final bow he cut the shit outta me with his skate.  I left a trail of blood off the stage/ice, and collapse backstage.  That's when I woke up.  WTF did I eat to illicit a weird ass dream like that?

Army of Two: Shanghai Noon

Army of Two 40th Day came out a long time ago, but I never picked it up because I didn't have anyone to play with.  A friend and I played through Army of Two a good long while ago, and it was fun to play with a buddy just because there weren't any good co op games out there, but didn't exactly knock my socks off.  The weapon customization was nice, but really just ended up making one of us make our guns super aggro machines and the other reverse aggro machines.

Aggro works just like it does in most MMO's... the more you have, the more the enemy shoots at you and not your partner.

40th day is a lot more fun than the first one.  We're both pretty even in our aggro loadout, and we don't feel like we're losing out tactically.  You can also now pick up enemy's dropped weapons, so if I need to I can grab an unsilenced rifle to hold their attention so my friend can flank.

All in all, it's a great co op experience.  Not so sure I'd be as happy with it if it were a computer AI as my buddy.  We've run into some frustrating moments, but nothing so bad we put the controller down.

There are some other neat gameplay additions.  We've gotten separated more than once, and they don't feel like "oops, we're separated... sure hope we don't die".  There's also a new morality and comraderie system, with rewards and penalties for going one way or another.  There's also a bonus for rescuing hostages, in both money and free parts and sometimes even guns.

All in all, I like this game a LOT more than it's first installment.  If you have a buddy to play with or wanna chance a random buddy in xbox live, don't be afraid to pick this one up.

I am a leaf on the wind.

Watch me fly.  I was angry when I wrote my last post, but not at what the subject was on.  I know, I'm weird like that.  I don't apologize.  Everything I said is just as true now as it was then, I just may have used different language to get my point across.

Rock on y'all.  

Seriously ladies, figure it the fuck out.

No.  Seriously.  You  want a guy that treats you like shit?  Fine.  Don't sit there and bitch at me that it's not fair that t here aren't any nice guys left, or that guys treat women like dirt, or that your current boyfriend just needs you to help him to 'change'.  I'm tired of giving and getting nothing but lip service 'gee thanks you're so nice'.

I don't want to be alone but you know what?  I'm through getting shot down for no good fucking reason.  "Oh, I just don't see you that way."  Why the hell not?  Not even gonna give me a shot?  You gave the asshole that cheated on you, destroyed your self esteem, and pushed you into doing things you aren't proud of a shot.  You gave the guy that wouldn't listen to two words about your day, or listen to you when you needed a friend, or who wouldn't give you that hug you really needed a shot.

So why is it that the guy that is always there for you, who has a water proof shoulder, who MAKES time in his day to make sure you're doing okay because he knows you and him are having problems or you're having a tough day at work always gets the "Let's just be friends" line?  Hmm?  No really, what is it that makes me so undesireable?  I really want to know!  Is it my sensitivity that you claim is so refreshing and wonderful for a guy to have? (By the by, I have a problem with gender role generalizations, but that's a post for another time.)  Is it my physical appearance?  I will admit I have a dark side, not anger but depression.  I know that's a major turn off to most people, not just girls, but you know what?  We all have our dark sides.

I also get that sometimes it just isn't going to work.  That being said, if it had no chance in hell, we probably wouldn't even be friends.

And why is it that if I ask for a shot at romance, it either is a yes or a I never wanna fucking see you again?  What the fuck changed?  Do I come across as a desperate person that's going to do anything to trick you into a relationship?  What part of "I don't understand, but I respect your decision" is unclear?  I want to know, honestly, what changes.  I understand again that it will create some awkwardness... it's hard to look at a friend the same way when that's out in the open.  Still, I feel that cutting off all contact is a bit extreme.

I'm lonely.  I'm bitter.  I'm done.  You want a guy that fucks you over emotionally and mentally?  Good.  Have at it. I'm done giving you my heart on a silver platter only to have you take what's offered, use it all up, and piss on the remains.  I have no more sympathy for people who are too stupid to realize that what they think they want and what they need can and usually are totally different things.

I don't mean to come down on the female gender.  I know males can be just as retarded, and I've been guilty of some pretty fucking stupid stuff in a relationship myself.  In my defense, the problem was mostly a drug I was on compounding my mental disorders, but it's still one of the three things I truly regret doing and would take back in a heartbeat.

Oh, and to everybody that's gonna be like "Oh, you'll find someone eventually" or "you have lots to offer" or "stop being so self pitying, you've got a good life" go fuck yourself.  No, really.   Eventually?  Fanfuckingtastic.  I hurt now.  I have lots to offer?  Yeah, I know, that's the fucking problem.  I have everything to offer and nothing to get in return.  I've offered it freely for far too long, and I'm drained down to my core.  Yeah, I have a roof over my head.  Yeah, I have food in my belly, clothes on my back, a computer, a warm bed, and I'm very grateful for what I do have.  That doesn't change how much the hole in my heart hurts, or the ache in my soul, or comfort me when I cry.  I don't want to be content, or even happy.  I want to love and be loved, and to find the one that completes me, heart and soul.  Until then, I'm a shell of a person.  I'm tired.  I just want to be whole again.  I guess that's too much to ask.

May you all find love.  Unadulterated, unreserved, unquestioning love.  And may you understand what you have, be joyous, and return it in kind.  Know that though I've never met you, or touched you, or held you, that I love you, with all my heart.  But now it's my turn.  I give no more of myself.  It sounds selfish, but it's that or die.  I choose to live.

Prince of Persia: The Alternate Universe of Time

Saw PoP: SoT this weekend, and I have to admit, it was a good movie.  I was a little disappointed because I'm a fan of the video game trilogy (the newest one they came out with was meh.) and rather than following the trilogy story line they took the basics and made a sort of alternate timeline for it.  It worked about as well as the new Star Trek movie, a great movie by itself that nodded to it's established universe but ran parallel to what "really" happened.

I do have to admit I was impressed with the accuracy of the stunts compared to the game.  They didn't go over the top with it, and the didn't make it meh.  The Prince is an agile guy, more so than most people, and actually the actor made his stunt crew play the game to get the movements right.  So props to them on that.

The combat in the movie was far more down to earth than the game.  No getting surrounded and using acrobatics to flip over a villain that happily stands there and lets you.  No sand monsters.  Again, it worked, but I was hoping to relive the game.  Just my expectations weren't jaded enough, not a mark against the movie.

The actress playing the princess was a very good choice.  Not too prissy, not a strong stereotyped "anything you can do I can do better I'm superwoman", but something in between.

Like I said, it worked.  I'd really like to see this movie succeed and a sequel be made by the same people.  If you're a fan of SoT trilogy, see this movie.  If you've never heard of PoP or SoT, see this movie.  Oh, and it's pretty kid friendly too, it's only pg-13 and reminded me of Star Wars as far as the action and people getting wounded go.

So props to the actors, to the directors, and especially to the writers.  I think this is the first movie I've enjoyed completely from start to finish.  I didn't have any "OH SHIT THAT WAS SIIIIIIICK" moments, but keep in mind I played all three games.  I have to give this movie a 10/10, totally worth the 8 dollar ticket!

And thanks to my friends that went with me.  It was fun times.  Oh, and there was a belly dancer in the lobby promoting the movie.  Icing on the cake ^_^

Sometimes I hate being motivated

It's like no matter what I do I either seem like I don't care or I care too much.  If I'm motivated to do something, for example getting a job, and I call back and do follow ups... the employer gets to the point where they recognize my name and associate it with pestering.  Or, they never remember my name and just don't care.  Or when I call in the traditionally proper amount of time, the position is filled or they just give me the "we'll call you if we have a position for you," which of course means that they don't have a position for me.

I think what irritates me most is when the potential employer gets mad at you for following up.  Personally, I see that it means I care enough about the job to call in and ask if I'm still in the running for it... but apparently most employers just see it as an annoyance.  I understand that entry level jobs get tons of calls daily.  I also realize that a lot of people call in just because they think that's what's expected.  I'm not sure if any one else feels the same way as me, but getting a dear john letter or response on the phone is really disheartening... it's like I'm not even a person.

I once spent 3 hours sitting in a Target waiting for an interview because they forgot about me.  I asked more than once and they just said "we're getting to you".  I finally went up and asked the management what was going on, and if I wasn't getting the interview I needed to leave, get something to eat, and make sure my brother got home okay.  Well, they just said "What?  No one has applied today."  Oh really?  Well I'm sorry all this time I spent here must have been me hallucinating.  Long story short I finally got the interview, got the second interview, and both interviewers recommended me and put a note on the forms that they wanted me to work here AND that I was made to wait several hours for my interviews.  A dear john postcard showed up a week later.  A guy who I know did pot in high school... a lot... got a job the same week.  I call hacks.

Rants aside, I still like Target.  I didn't for a while but I understood it wasn't the front line people that axed me, it was corporate.  Now I have my third interview for overnight position so wish me luck.  Whee!

Lethargic Funk

Don't you hate them?  You have tons of things you SHOULD be doing but you end up curled up watching the tv or reading a book, or in my case bouncing around on the internet reading useless facts that I find interesting but that are in no way relevant to anything in life.  For example, did you know that Thundercats had 4 seasons and one movie?  Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!

My bad.

I meant to write a book review for the Dresden Files, but ended up doing one for Bad Company 2.  I still fully intend to write one, but I've got a lot of junk flying around right now.  Probably be starting a new job this week, always have school work, housework, etc., and I have other responsibilities to close friends.

So I'll get to it, no worries.  Until then though, I'll be keeping posts short and to the point, probably more philosophical diving boards than anything else.

For example, the other night I got to thinking about the nature of society, and more specifically death and leaving things behind.

It's like... while we operate within our little social group of friends, we try to think of things to say that will impress, but not always say what we mean for fear of being ostracized.  I've been forcing myself to get out of this habit for years now, and I've lost more than one group of friends to not keeping quiet when something bothers me.  I don't regret it though... if they can't accept me the same way I accepted them with all their flaws, they can keep leading their meaningless bullshit material wealthy lives.  But I digress.

A better example:  I really dislike crude jokes.  Racist jabs aren't too bad if they're done in good fun; i.e. white guys can't jump, asians can't drive, etc.  Especially sexist jokes get on my nerves, or crude comments.  However, I caught myself making a crude comment to 'fit in' to my social circle better... and it made me sick to my stomach.  Everyone laughed because it is what we've been conditioned to do, again to fit in... but it didn't sit well with me at all.

Food for thought.  Sit down and see just how often you do something to fit in.  I did, and I was unpleasantly surprised.  I found that I had three groups of friends... and three distinct personalities to go with each group.  All were me, but they were different masks I put on to fit in slightly better for fear of rejection.

Until next time, happy reading.

The good, the Bad Company, and a hippy

Speaking strictly of single player, Battlefield Bad Company was a fun game.  Not an amazing, ground breaking game... but man was it entertaining.  I'm pretty sure I smiled through the whole thing, rather than frowning in concentration.  It was still a solid first person shooter, don't get me wrong, but it was no Modern Warfare killer.

But I'm not here to talk about that.  I don't buy a lot of games as soon as they hit the shelf (I'm po'.  Can't even afford the other 'o' or the 'r', but the apostrophe came free with any purchase) and even less in the first month of their release, so when I do it's kind of a big deal.  Bad Company 2 wasn't a straight copy paste with a new story line, but still kept most of the feel of BC.   It was a much darker tale, that touched on corruption in government, revenge, pacifism and what really drives soldiers to keep on fighting.

That being said, I still smiled through most of it.  

Vehicles seem a bit over powered, especially the heavy tanks.  I realize that that is kinda the point, but I feel like without my auto aim npc buddies, I'd have died multiple times just because it's difficult to see and hit little dudes with rpgs, but when enemy tanks show up they get a bead on me... through buildings.  With their main cannon.

Maybe I just suck.  Shrug.

Still, the weapon collectibles make a come back, and it's kinda fun to search around and weapon swap.  I found myself using the starter rifle more often than not though.  Again, might just be because I suck.  One addition that really made my day was the addition of supply drop crates, where you can change your load out to any gun you've picked up to this point.  They aren't everywhere, but are at most checkpoints.  One thing I missed were the happy face pins on the grenades.  Some overpowered things, like artillery strikes, were taken out, and demolition made a much smaller part of gameplay.  I blew out walls more often to make a window rather than to knock out cover, or in one case because I couldn't find the door.

There's lots of tongue in cheek references to Modern Warfare 2.  **Possible spoiler alert!  one level you race your squad on four wheelers, and throughout the race Haggard teases Sarge and Sweets.  Sweets says something like "If this was a snowmobile race I'd kick your ass!" and Haggard replies "Well it's not, snowmobiles are for pussies!"  There's other references, but that's the only one I remember well enough to quote.

Whereas the first one, it was like a constant joy ride, this time around there's a very serious story line.  I don't think I can reveal any of it without spoiling it, as it's a sort of keep you in the dark need to know basis kind of story reveal, but the first level had me hook line and sinker.  I'm a WWII guy, I love watching the history channel and reading books about it, so when the first level dealt with a Japanese scientist defecting, I had to know the rest of the story.

Anyway.  Battlefield has always been about the multiplayer, but Bad Company 1 and 2 has given them a strong showing in the single player story driven areas.  Are they top dog?  Not in this category no.  But are they up in the top ten, at least in my humble opinion?  Easily.

I have to give the one player a 9.5/10.  I'll try out the multiplayer and write a separate review for it, though I've heard it's stellar.

Bleep bloop

So, for anyone that has separated parents, that had to live through the separation and aftermath, I'm terribly sorry.  My parents had a... we'll call it reasonable divorce in that my mother didn't contest anything and agreed to everything my father set up, for the most part anyway.  Anyhow... point is, I sympathize.  Rock on foo's!

Job interviews

As job interviews go, the one I had today was very nice.  sort of informal, the interviewer wasn't very experienced, but asked all the important questions.  So by this time next week I might have an awesome job!  ^_^

A Wizard, a Cop, and Knight walk into a bar...

This is neither a bad joke nor a DnD modern campaign setting... Although, I think I know what my next game is gonna be!

I'm an avid reader.  I love Sci Fi and Fantasy.  Don't get me wrong, there's definitely some good mystery, non-fiction, and all those other types out there, but Fantasy (and by extension Sci Fi, since it is arguably fantasy as well) is where my heart lies.  What I want to talk about today is one of my favorite series, The Dresden Files.


Some of you may have heard of the Dresden Files thanks to a neat sci fi channel series.  I saw a few episodes, but I don't think a tv show could really do Butcher's work justice(pun intended).  Seriously though, it was fun to watch, but like any series or movie for that matter, the book is better.

Harry Dresden is a Wizard for hire in modern day Chicago.  The book is written in a sort of noire style, and masterfully done.  Is it the greatest masterpiece of all time?  Probably not.  Is it a damn fine read?  You bet.  When I get a hold of the next novel in the series, I can't put it down, and usually end up pulling an all nighter to finish it.  Nothing is left to "oh, it must have been magic".  Spoiler ahead, depending on how hardcore you are about spoilers... In one scene, Harry is fighting some vampires (not sparkly ones, think Dracula on steroids, and more monstrous) shoots some fire, and knocks out one of the building's walls, bathing the vampires in sunlight.  On accident.  His response?  "Oops.  That was cool."

Good times, good reads, and definitely a series I keep track of.  Also great reads, but totally different subject matter, the Codex Alera.

Till next time, happy reading.

I am me.

I am me.  I think, therefore I am.  I question, therefore I am sentient.  I feel, therefore I am alive.

If you've ever gone job hunting before, you realize there are a lot of unwritten social rules to how society works. We aren't allowed to wear whatever we want, or dye our hair whatever color we wish.  Piercings, tattoos, even expressions are tailored.  You can't go to a job interview with a mohawk and expect to be hired, even if you're qualified.  I once knew a doctor (not a medical doctor, but a physics doctor) who gave lectures and had dyed blue hair, spacer piercings, and a nose ring.  He was forced to either get rid of the piercings and cut/un-dye his hair, or lose his job at the university he spoke at, even though he got the job straight out of college based solely on his merits.

What kind of just society is that?  I know there's a deeper argument to get into here... such as, as soon as you allow the guy with piercings to be a teacher, you have to allow the girl that wears nothing but a ribbon and a string to be a teacher, but I do think we can be far more open minded without making anyone that doesn't meet our double standards an outcast.  There's compromises to be made by both parties.

Bah.  /endrant.

Ah DnD 3.5... how I missed you

There's a lot of nerd talk in this post, so if you aren't sure what some of my terms are, don't worry.  I forgive you.  This time.

So, I recently started a new DnD 3.5 campaign with some friends of mine.  I'm really excited about it!  The first session went great, even though we had to cut off in the middle of a dungeon (silly responsibilities!)  Hopefully I'll learn to be an easier to work with player and the DM will learn the ins and outs of DMing.  He did a great job for his first time, far far better than my first attempt.

Oh, I'm playing a chaotic good level 3 human cleric of Corellon Larethian.  I've really sunk my teeth into this characters story, personality, virtues and vices, and personality flaws.

He was orphaned and left to die in the woods as a newborn, but was raised by elves (bet you'll never guess why his patron is Corellon!)  Left to die by his parents, an outcast raised communally by the elves, and only recently returning to "civilization" took their toll, and he's a very bitter and angry person.  However, he has strict moral guidelines he follows, and isn't afraid to have a heated argument about it.  He's got a slight drinking problem, and is almost always buys the first round, not that he's being nice, just that he wants a drink and doesn't want any trouble.

Coarse with his allies but unforgiving with his enemies, he's definitely someone you want to watch your back.  His word is his honor, and he'll never back down from a fight he feels is right.

For example, a young girl was attacked by some were rats (not really sure where the whole 'were-thing' is going right now, but it could turn into something interesting).  Instead of standing his ground and doing the tactically proper thing, he charges in, bullrushes one of the wererats away, and basically stands over her till the fight is over (despite being yelled at by his more than capable group mates to "move his ass and heal them").

I am REALLY liking this character.  Also, he has an authority problem (my DM hates me :D)  I'm thinking of taking him 2/3 cleric 1/3 rogue, I've always liked that combo.

I'll also be starting another, not DnD game that is based entirely on the d10 with ANOTHER group.  I believe it's called The World of Darkness, and is modern fantasy (i.e. werewolves with guns, stuff like that).  But we're twisting the setting a bit, modifying the game rules, and setting it in the Firefly/Serenity 'Verse.  You have no idea how excited I am about this.

Anyway, homework and sleep beckon, but maybe not in that order.  Next time, I'm thinking I'm gonna do a book review on one of my favorite recent series.  So until then, happy reading, and go give your d12 a hug.  It's lonely.

Return to Arkham, and the death of the demo

I rarely preorder games anymore.  I've been burned too many times with push backs and delays(Twilight Princess, I'm looking at you!), and even more by games that were hyped up so much, showed so much promise, then were just 'meh'... at least were meh in my humble opinion.

However, one game that I knew I was going to buy, knew I was going to love, and was super hyped about was Batman: Arkham Asylum.  Back then, I didn't have a blog, but every one of my friends heard me talk about how friggin' awesome this game was.  We as gamers have been treated to hosts of terrible comic-games, but this was the title to redeem them all!  If you haven't played this game yet, go find the demo somewhere.  It did an amazing job of showing you the ropes of every element of gameplay, and wasn't just the first 10 minutes or so of story to wet your whistle.  Just the demo got a 10/10 for me, but the game?  11/10.  Seriously.  I still go back and play it, and I've beaten it... four times now?

Which brings me to my real point.  What ever happened to game demos?  I remember back in the late 90's every game came with at least one demo!  Sure, there were some smaller titles that didn't, but nearly every game had something.  I was mostly a PC gamer (couldn't afford to keep up with the consoles, and we were lucky to have a decent pc), but as I recall even PS1 and some n64 games came with demos, or at least trailers built in.

Sure, with the advent of the internet and social networking, demos included with games have become obsolete.  Why take up precious space on your disc when you can just post a trailer on youtube?

But I have to admit, even as hyped up as I was about B:AA, I still had my doubts, and for me 50-60 bucks for a game is a big deal.  I have a hard time paying 30 for older, proven games (less than a year but more than six months).  So what sold me on buying, and not just buying but preordering, this game?  The FREE demo!  I played through the demo TONS of times.

Just to side track a bit, a lot of 'pirates' try to justify their illegal downloading/cracking of games as a way to "try out" the game instead of dropping 60 bucks on something they aren't sure they're going to like.  While I agree that's a valid point... I'm not so sure I can agree with the justification because 1. they never uninstall the cracked game, and 2. even if they try it and love it, they usually don't buy the game anyway.  But that's a topic for another time.

What we are starting to see is demos pop up on xbox live, or app markets, or whatever for a small fee... but see, I have a problem with paying for something I'm not sure I'll like.  I don't have 3-5 dollars to drop on a demo I'll play once and never touch again once the game comes out.  Arkham Asylum did an amazing job with their demo, and I hope that other game companies see that and implement their own similar demos, but that's wishful thinking.

So I'm going to try something new.  I don't have a lot of followers/readers yet, but I still want to get y'all's opinion.  What do you think we as the gaming community (or gamers, if you don't consider yourself part of the community) can do to get companies to see the value of putting out a free demo?

Leave a comment, try to keep it clean, and whee discussion time!

Pokeymans!

I played the old school red and blue versions of pokemon way back in the day on my brick gameboy when they first came out.  Then I played yellow, silver, and tried to play gold (but a dog disagreed with me and ate it.)  Then I stopped playing because I realized I could name all 151 originals and most of the ones from gold and silver and nobody played in highschool (at least, not around me =P).  So when Soul Silver and Heart Gold came out, I was kind of excited, because while Yellow wasn't as fun as I had hoped it was, Silver and Gold offered a lot more than one little guy that followed you around and made happy faces at you.  New regions, pokemon baby making, new pokemon, new legendary pokemon, less glitches (I'm looking at you Mssingno, with your two sky attacks and watergun!)  I've logged about 70 hours on my Soul Silver, and I'm barely half done.  After you finish the original Johto region (which offers revamped areas, gyms, and graphics), Kanto opens up just like in the originals, but you also get the National Pokedex which allows you to register all the pokemon from every generation, even the ones that are chronologically newer than SS and HG!  My little brother has every pokemon game up to these, so as soon as I found this out I started trading and baby making!  Yes, I'm addicted.  Get over it!

The touch screen is a definite plus in this game.  They really nailed streamlining the menus and battles with it.

There's so much new stuff that SS and HG provide.  The Pokewalker is a neat little addon that lets you find items, pokemon, and even gain a level or two while you walk.  The Pokeathalon Dome offers some neat (if frustrating) touch pad only mini games.  The Safari Zone is back, and has a bit more to offer than just a timed pokeball throwing bonanza with customizable zones (you change the six 'areas' to catch different pokemon).  There's also a Battle Frontier, which I haven't messed with yet, and ANOTHER mini game that was prevalent in the gen 3+ games who's name escapes me.

With the DS wireless connection, you can trade or battle with friends without cumbersome cords.  With the Nintendo WiFi connection, you can play with people all over the world, and not just trading/battling!  There's MORE MINIGAMES you can play against players from all over the PLANET!

And your pokemon get to follow you around.  This is by far my favorite new feature.  Every pokemon has a sprite model in addition to the battle screen and menu screen.  Every time my Evee hugs me, I go ^_^

This is how remakes should be... keep what was amazing about the original, but add in new features, new graphics, and new content.  I give this a 10/10, and wish I could give it more.  Props Nintendo.  I didn't even feel bad paying full price for this on release week.  If the upcoming Pokemon Black and White are anything like this, I just might have to start saving up to get them.

Pokefans, this isn't a cut and dry rerelease with fancier graphics.  Get this game!  Pokehaters, go die.  Or just don't buy this game.  <3

Till next time, happy reading.