Dear Reader

I miss you.

I don't like feeling like this.

No one does.  Yes, there is something to say of willpower and keeping positive attitudes.  Still, the mind is a complex thing, and to deny one part of it is to deny the whole.  Accept that part, do not let it control you, but acknowledge it.  Count to three.  Then ten.  Then a hundred.

I consider myself a gentle man.  I am slow to anger.  I am rich in trust.  I am deep in thought, and reserve my words as best I can.  Still.  It takes a special person to earn my respect, a good person to earn my love, and a very unique person to return it.  In turn, it takes a special person to lose my respect.  A horrid person to earn my hate  A very unique person to make me hate myself.

I have found the latter.  A person that makes me honestly hate so much that I feel physically ill, and want to spit and wash myself to get this... horrid feeling off of me.

I try to focus on other things.  Brighter things.  New friends.  Old friends.  Family that loves me.  Family that tolerates me.  A good book.  Yet my mind falls to that which I cannot explain, the idiocy.  The hypocrisy.  The irreverence, the disrespect.

How can a person act thus and still consider themselves a person?  I care not for the reason behind their disdain.  Tolerance is what makes us people.  Not skill.  Not tall buildings.  Not money, certainly.  People that refuse to even acknowledge any point of view but their own are ignorant animals, undeserving of the title of person.  I don't mean to say one shouldn't believe what they believe.  I mean to say that one should honestly consider what someone else has to say, to look at them not as you, but as someone else.  If you look at a statue on one side, you have a pretty good idea of what the other side is, but to think your side is best without seeing or even acknowledging that there even IS another side, is simple foolishness and idiocy.

So in closing.  You are NOT all knowing. You are NOT perfect.  You are NOT better than anyone else because you have more education, more power, more money, a better situation.  I am a person.  I am me.  I have my own problems.  I have my own situation.  I have my own way of dealing with emotional stress, finances, and my own priorities.

Here's the deal

We had a "serious, sit down discussion", like you wanted.  We made THE RULES.  It's your house.  I respect that, and while it is frustrating that I'm (your words, not mine) "A full grown adult" who has the same curfew as minors, I follow it because again, it's your house, your rules.

Here's the thing though.  I'm in college.  I have a hard lights out Sunday through Thursday.  That, I'm afraid, DOESN"T WORK.  Again, though, I'm forced to acquiesce.  Friday and Saturday (it's in writing, so fuck you) I very clearly DO NOT HAVE A LIGHTS OUT.  PERIOD.  Why, then, do you come in after midnight and yell at me to "stop being a vampire?"  Do you not understand what a vampire is?  Because I assure you, I am not one.

Now that I've pointed that out to you, reasonably, articulately, etc. you've assumed a new tactic.  "If I make him get up early enough he'll HAVE to go to bed when I want him to.  To that, I have this to say:  Grow up.

You don't control me anymore; I LET YOU make the rules.  I COULD move out, but my quality of life would (I know, sounds crazy) be shit, and it'd just be a whole new bucket of stresses.

So let me outline something for you.  I follow your rules, I get yelled at and have to deal with the (usually hollow) threats.  I DON'T follow your rules, I get yelled at and have to deal with the (usually hollow) threats, with a slew of insults thrown at me for good measure.

So I really don't see the difference.  I'll just continue doing whatever the fuck I want because either way, I'm gonna get the same consequences.  Feels good to get that outta my system.

Connundrum...

Boy tells girl he's madly in love with her.  Girl tells boy she loves him but just isn't ready to be in a relationship.  Boy tries to understands, respects girl's answer, and moves on.  Except... boy can't move on.  For, you see, boy IS in fact madly in love.

I feel that we all have layers to our hearts.  Every individual has different layers, in different order.  Family might be one layer, while friends another.  Some people have fewer layers than others, some people might share layers.  I like to think, though, that we all have a special place at the very center for that special someone who will one day complete us.

Took the CBEST today

It was SLIGHTLY more difficult than my high school exit exam.  That being said, I finished my HSEE in 20 minutes.  The whole exam.  Just saying lol.

Seriously though, once I get my writing portion results back, I should be able to substitute teach.  That should help a LOT.  I might even be able to move out AND fix my car!  WOO!

So this is depressing

I've been thinking about it for quite a long time.  I've decided that I've chosen the wrong major, for many reasons which I'm sure you're just dying to hear, but long story short, it's not what I thought it was.

Most of the reason I chose this major is because I was told it will give me the skills and experience I would need to do what I want: be a level designer and help create games.

While this is true to an extent, this path also did many other things.  It showed me the nitty gritty of what the game design field is, the competitive side of it, and more importantly the likelihood of me getting INTO a position that I wanted to be in at any time in the near or distant future.

Long story short is this:  I don't want to make video games from the ground up.  I don't want to make the tools to make the video games, I WANT TO MAKE THE VIDEO GAMES.  There IS a distinction there.

It's my own fault.  I honestly didn't know.  I honestly didn't make any effort to find out.  No one is to blame but myself.  I trusted that what I was told was true, because why would they lie or offer me false information?

So the more I think about it, and the more I look at it from an objective, more experienced point of view, the more I realize what a mistake I made.  I don't just want to go back and get a degree in engineering, I NEED to go back and get that degree.  THAT'S a job I can get behind, that I will enjoy, that I will be able to go to school for and LEARN.

Boohoo poor me.  whatever.  gnight folks.

I hate myself right now

I think it's for the best though.  Shouldn't that make me feel less like scum?

There's definitely some wonderful people in my life

Much as I'm loathe to admit it, I do need good folk around me.  I've realized that I'm just not strong enough on my own.  I give way to despair, turn inward, and sink farther and farther into depression without people to make me smile.  I've always been a bit of a loner, though... so I thought this bore further discussion.

When I say I need good folk in my life... I do mean it.  That's not, however, to say that I need them all the time, 24/7 on call.  Heck, I don't even think I need them most of the time.  I do need them though.

I can go about a week on my own.  Existing.  Doing what needs to be done.  Not sure why.  Seems just to be how it falls.

The problem, I think, stems from me trying to be too... self supporting.  Yeah, I'm tough.  I know how to take punches, I'm no stranger to hurt in all its forms... but after a while it becomes self perpetuating.  I try to keep my problems from the people who care.  I try to lock it up, build that barrier, to protect everyone else from my problems... and to protect myself, I'll admit.  It's a scary thing opening up to someone... even when you KNOW they won't judge, KNOW they just want to help... there's always that nagging self doubt.  You believe that they believe that they won't judge... and that nothing can change your relationship... but the problem is... they don't KNOW.  No one can.  It's much like Schrodinger's Cat (google it)... with a slight twist.

Nothing is certain.  Everything is open to interpretation.

Anyway... back on topic.  In closing off the good folk that care about me... I inadvertently create a self perpetuating system.  It builds up, making other things that aren't as big a deal become a big deal.  We've all experienced this to one extent or another... something trivial takes a day from bad to horrible in .07 seconds.

So I think I've made my point.  I am strong.  I am invincible with my friends.

That, or I'm insane.  Probably the latter...

Another winter come to pass... Another year cheating death. Joy, heartache, pain, love, disappointment and tears... Foolishness. Adoration. Despair...

Hope.

I never understood the idea of celebrating birthdays. Why cheer on the inevitable creeping of death? Then, one day, I realized... We celebrate life, love, the journey, not the conclusion. We toast fellowship. We share joy at life, lived.

I never ask for gifts. The most valuable item we posses is time. Even if it is a brief message, hastily scrawled... The thought is there.

So I hope you have a beautiful day, dear reader. I think of you fondly.

I'm going to try to get a job I need tomorrow. In doing so, I'll be giving up a job I almost enjoy. I just wish my mother could do the same =/. Wish me strength

It's okay though.

I've decided.  It's better to feel and be hurt than to feel nothing.

Go me.

Today promises to be... Horribly... familiar.

Whee!  Wednesday!  Workworkwork.  Oh, and lame group members only just now checking in, even though we all know how much work we have to do in just eight weeks.  Awesome.

Oh well... At least I've got some kind of income... maybe I'll splurge and get my milkshake for the week.  I STILL haven't gotten one... been wanting one since last week.  Stupid Jack in the Box.

I don't mean that.  I love you JBX.

THE EVIL LEAGUE OF EVIL IS WATCHING SO BEWARE!

What is family?

I don't have a definition for you, but I know what a family isn't.  A family doesn't treat you like an unwelcome house guest.  A family doesn't exclude you from everything.  A family doesn't talk about you behind your back, doesn't demean you, doesn't make you feel inadequate.  No... I'm wrong.  A family DOES do these things... they just SHOULDN'T.

What I should talk about is Family... that illusive ideal that is so hard to find, yet so desirable...

My mother is my Family.  She's so wonderful to me and my brother... everything she's done has been for us.  Sure, when she can, she thinks about herself, but we always come first.. and that's scary, being loved that much. I remember a time when I hated my mother.  She was always the mean one, the enforcer.  Now, though, I can look back and see that I didn't hate my mother... I hated the demon she fights even today.  See, she's bipolar, much like me... yet not like me at all.  I'm depressant/hyper depressant.  I forget the term for her, but really I had three moms; Angry mom, Depressed mom, and Mom.  I hated angry mom.  I loved Mom.  And I got along with depressed mom.  It's not really my place to talk about this anymore, but let's just say Angry Mom is gone (hopefully for good)... and now I really do see what she's been through.

Now I have a new Family... friends who have grown so dear to me, so loving, that they ceased to be friends and have become my Family.  My Family has kept me alive, sometimes literally.

I had my first real Christmas with a split home this year... yeah, last year we had dad time and mom time, but this year we really had conflicting obligations.  I don't really want to use the term obligations... but it works, so whatever.  Long story short, it was a weird holiday, and I never felt better leaving a house on a day when Family should be easy to find :(

First of all...

Wow.  I fail at this.  Almost three months without a post.  Go me.  I haven't even been writing in my analog journal.  So yeah.  That sucks.  I'm really not the blogging type, I don't think.  Sure, I love to talk and conversate and write, but keeping a public journal just seems... weird to me.  Some of the things I write here are dark, some are fun, some are deep... but all of them are really me letting down my walls for the entire internet to see.  That's scary, especially for someone like me.

So then I started thinking (Oh no!  Again with the thinking!).  Why... not?  Why not bare my soul to everyone I meet?  They only have the power over me that I give them.  So, no more will I censor myself.  No more will I apologize, or hide what I feel to be Right, or Just, or HOW I feel.  Because at the end of the day, this is a selfish thing I'm doing.  It's for me, not you.  Sure, dear reader, I value your opinion.  I want to hear your point of view. But who are you to judge me for me?  Who are you to make me feel insecure, or unwanted?  Yes, I want the conflicting points of view.  Yes, I want the negative opinions.  But the fear... that's what I'm talking about.  The fear of sharing something that you (yes you, dear reader) finds offensive, or wrong, or unacceptable, and of losing a friendship (or potential friendship).

So know this... I'll never close the door.  Only you can do that.  This is me, unadulterated, unfiltered, pure.  Honesty, no exceptions, even in the face of oblivion.  Ask what you will, and I'll answer, even if I know you won't like it.  Say what you will, and I'll consider it.  But don't try to fix me.  I'm not broken.  Worse for the wear, maybe, but not broken.