I hate myself right now

I think it's for the best though.  Shouldn't that make me feel less like scum?

There's definitely some wonderful people in my life

Much as I'm loathe to admit it, I do need good folk around me.  I've realized that I'm just not strong enough on my own.  I give way to despair, turn inward, and sink farther and farther into depression without people to make me smile.  I've always been a bit of a loner, though... so I thought this bore further discussion.

When I say I need good folk in my life... I do mean it.  That's not, however, to say that I need them all the time, 24/7 on call.  Heck, I don't even think I need them most of the time.  I do need them though.

I can go about a week on my own.  Existing.  Doing what needs to be done.  Not sure why.  Seems just to be how it falls.

The problem, I think, stems from me trying to be too... self supporting.  Yeah, I'm tough.  I know how to take punches, I'm no stranger to hurt in all its forms... but after a while it becomes self perpetuating.  I try to keep my problems from the people who care.  I try to lock it up, build that barrier, to protect everyone else from my problems... and to protect myself, I'll admit.  It's a scary thing opening up to someone... even when you KNOW they won't judge, KNOW they just want to help... there's always that nagging self doubt.  You believe that they believe that they won't judge... and that nothing can change your relationship... but the problem is... they don't KNOW.  No one can.  It's much like Schrodinger's Cat (google it)... with a slight twist.

Nothing is certain.  Everything is open to interpretation.

Anyway... back on topic.  In closing off the good folk that care about me... I inadvertently create a self perpetuating system.  It builds up, making other things that aren't as big a deal become a big deal.  We've all experienced this to one extent or another... something trivial takes a day from bad to horrible in .07 seconds.

So I think I've made my point.  I am strong.  I am invincible with my friends.

That, or I'm insane.  Probably the latter...

Another winter come to pass... Another year cheating death. Joy, heartache, pain, love, disappointment and tears... Foolishness. Adoration. Despair...

Hope.

I never understood the idea of celebrating birthdays. Why cheer on the inevitable creeping of death? Then, one day, I realized... We celebrate life, love, the journey, not the conclusion. We toast fellowship. We share joy at life, lived.

I never ask for gifts. The most valuable item we posses is time. Even if it is a brief message, hastily scrawled... The thought is there.

So I hope you have a beautiful day, dear reader. I think of you fondly.