Clarity

It being Halloween, and with politics pretty much dominating the media, I thought I'd post about another scary topic: Religion.  (Queue lightning, dramatic organ, etc.) **Everything I write here is my opinion, unless it's backed by fact, so suck it**

Those of you dear readers who know me personally have probably heard, overheard, or guessed that I'm a closet atheist, with or without knowing how I define being a closet atheist.  I felt this needed some clarity, and given some of the recent events in my life I also felt I needed to cut the bullshit, stop joking, and be serious for a few moments.  Explain myself, as it were.  So here it goes.

When I said I was a closet atheist, what I really meant was this... I wanted to believe in a benevolent God, but couldn't.  Whether or not there was a God wasn't the question, it was why does God deserve my worship, my faith.  I was more of a Deist... that is, I believed in a hands off, clockwork universe.  God created the universe, set it into motion, laid down the laws of physics, gave us the abilities we needed to thrive in our universe, and... left.  Or stayed, and watched.  Either way, He was an absentee landlord.  Miracles?  Statistics.  Divine knowledge?  Hallucination.

I am of the opinion that if you are able to prevent evil, but don't, then you are just as responsible for that evil.  Does God want to prevent evil, but can't?  Then he is not all powerful.  Is he able to, but doesn't want to?  Then he is not benevolent.  So willing and unable, good for Him.  Able but unwilling?  Why worship Him?  And really, that's as far as I took it.  That's as far as I COULD take it, back then.  I wanted to believe, I wanted to belong and be loved, and I wanted an afterlife.  I just couldn't make that connection.

It was only recently, over the last few months, that I realized how prideful I was being.  The last year has been one of great trials, and more importantly of great understanding.  So let's move on from what was, and notice what is.

I realized something.  Things... stopped mattering.  Things I lived for, things that made life worth living, made life meaningful... had no meaning themselves.  So I moved on.  I realized what DID matter.  I realized WHO mattered... and realized just how prideful I was being.  I DESERVED a good job because I was me, because I earned it just by living.  I DESERVED love, because I loved.  It was not an epiphany moment, but a slow realization.  It was very humbling, and not a little depressing.  To go for so long believing that you were right, that you were good... then realize how shitty you really are.  Then I heard something that made a click.

As it turns out, God doesn't need you to know he exists.  I knew that, I just didn't realize it.  In fact, what makes Him so wonderful is that I KNOW he can't exist, but still believe that He does.  It's an abstract concept, but bear with me.

I know that rainbows are just light radiated from the fusion reaction refracting through water molecules in the air to create an optical illusion... but that makes them no less beautiful, and no less romantic.  I know what rain is, and how it happens, but I'm no less awed by it.  In fact, this was the epiphany moment.  I found myself at peace, and when I did, I was able to see.  A single rain drop made my heart fill with unadulterated, stupid joy.  It was wonderful.  It was simple.  It was a little thing, that meant so much.

I am imperfect.  I've known that, I've just never accepted that.  God doesn't care, and again, I've known that, and I've accepted that.  I felt that I could do everything without God or anybody else.  I empowered myself, lived in the moment, and was left hollow for it.  I hit rock bottom in that mindset, and had nothing left but me.  It was a wonderful gift.  It gave me peace.

A lot of people talk about giving things up to God.  It's good advice, but I think it needs a little more... clarity.  God helps those who help themselves... so do everything you can to help yourself.  When you are done, give what is left to Him.  Don't spend your energy worrying.

A friend told me a few years ago a wonderful tale, probably originating from the Cherokee, but I could be wrong as there are many similar stories.  It went something like this...
An old man is teaching his grandson about life.  "A fight is going on inside me, a terrible fight between two wolves.  One is evil, he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greet, self pity, guilt, resentment, pride, and ego.  The other is good, he is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, benevolence, empathy, compassion, and faith.  The same fight is going on inside you, and every other person."
The grandson thought for a few moments and finally asked, "Grandfather, which wolf will win?"
Grandfather replied, "The one you feed."

It took me a long time to realize which wolf I should be feeding, because the tale fails to mention that both wolves look identical, and both promise you the same thing.  I still struggle with pride, among other things.  I still don't let many people in.  But I've found a new peace.  Loving, and expecting nothing in return.  Living, and doing good work, regardless of payoff.  Having faith... even when I don't believe.  I noticed something else the other day.  I don't run my mouth nearly as much as I used to.  I like this me a lot more.

Thanks for listening to the end.