Signs for stuff and things.

Not really sure how to start off todays rant of choice, so I'll just jump right into it.

I'm bipolar.  I've known that for a while now.  Sadly, I'm not bipolar 1 (more commonly called manic/depressant) where you go through bad lows and amazing highs.  No, I'm bipolar 2, which is depressant/more depressant.  I'm lucky to get a two day run of normal.  I don't tell you this so you go "awe... poor fool".  I tell you so you can understand.  Support I'll take.  Don't patronize me, don't pity me.  =)

So the last two weeks have been hyper depressed weeks.  I find it funny because while most people are enjoying they're summer breaks or getting ready to party all weekend, I had two weeks off before my school starts back up this Sunday.  What did I do over these two weeks?  I moved furniture.  A lot of furniture.  Furniture that isn't mine.  I offered to do someone a favor and got stiffed hardcore on it.  Still, whatever, karma points for me right?  Wrong.

Some good things happened over these two weeks too.  My buddies are in town, and I spent a good chunk of my free time hanging out with them.  The rest of my free time was spent either looking for a job or sleeping.  Moving on.

I was having a conversation with a friend a few days ago, a friend who is happily married and has had most everything handed to him on a silver platter.  He's very naive to the way of the world because he's been sheltered all his life.  During our conversation, I brought up that I am smitten with a lass, and the only reason I don't ask her out is that I get the impression she just wants to be friends and doesn't see me in that romantic light (a story for another time).  I made the joke of "how could she resist me!  I'm unemployed, love cartoons, play video games, and I'm slightly overweight!"  His response was something along the lines of "And you wonder why you're still single."

No, I don't actually wonder why I'm still single.  I know why I'm still single, and why I have very few friends.  It's simple statistics.  I am an intelligent, kind, caring, oversensitive romantic.  Most males aren't and most females my age want an exciting guy, cute guy, guy with stupid amounts of money, etc.  The females my age that know what they want and know what they're missing out on/doing to themselves in these relationships where they're unhappy are a minority, if not an outlier.  Males like me are also outliers, social outcasts (partially by choice).

I know that's not the only reason.  I'm unemployed... there's not a lot I can do about that.  I've filled out over 30 job applications (and followed up on them) in the past two weeks, if not more.  Thanks to our wonderful economy, the probability of me getting a job is slim to nill.  I live at home, so I don't have my own place where people can come over and hang out, or a place where I can be me and do the things I want without getting judged.  These, however, are things that I can change given time and not a little bit of luck, and I'm working on that.

Like I mentioned earlier, I'm a bit overweight.  A lot of my problem is that all of my fat is in my torso, and it looks terrible.  The rest of my body (at least muscle/fat ratio wise) looks decent enough in my humble opinion.  I've been doing exercises and changing my diet to work on that, and it's helping, but as anyone will tell you doing it right takes time.

The nerd thing is MY thing god damnit.  I am a nerd.  You don't like it, go fuck yourself, I probably don't like what you do for fun but I sure as hell don't begrudge you for it.  For example, I hate working on cars.  My dad LOVES working on cars.  He thinks I'm less of a man and less of a human being because I loathe working on cars.  I'm happy that he likes working on cars, why can't he be happy that I feel the same way about computers?  What makes me furious is he constantly asks me to work on his computer, but then turns right around and makes fun of me or belittles me for choosing that as my hobby rather than cars or working out or chasing loose women.  I am me.  You are you.  Respect it or leave me the hell alone, and I'll do the same for you.

Sidetracked there a bit.  Sorry.  The next big part of why I'm still lonely 75% of the time (talking about friends here as well, not just romantic partners) is that I can't go out, or if I do I have to leech off of everyone else.  I'm flat broke, and there's not much I can do about it that I'm not already.  This town is horrid for free passtimes.  Nothing is free here.  Parks are so few and far between (and usually shitty), that you need to fill up on gas, buy bottled water, even if you just pack a lunch that lunch had to come from somewhere, and that means more money.  I don't care how cheap it is to do something, but $0 won't cover it.  So I don't hardly get out at all.  The college youth group I go to has helped a LOT in that respect, but that's only once a week and I don't see or talk to hardly anybody from it outside of our scheduled meeting times.  I'm trying to change that but everyone wants to meet somewhere, and again that takes money.

Finally, I have no money.  That seems to be a recurring theme, but look at it this way... say I want to take a girl out to dinner.  I can't say "hey, can I take you out to a nice dinner?"  or "how bout I take you to the movies?"  The best I can do is offer to make them dinner, but again with living at home that's not exactly a great option, especially with how my parent and brother act (especially if I brought a girl home).  So I can scrimp and save and be able to do one thing every two weeks (give or take).  So what then?  Every two weeks I take a stab in the dark and hope it works out?  Or do I use that money to.. you know... eat?  Or buy clothes that I desperately need to increase my chances at getting a job?  Or save up enough money to put my car back on the road so I can fill out applications in parking lots and not have to wear a backpack around or show up with helmet hair sun burnt?

All these questions are rhetorical of course.  I don't expect answers.  I'm just lost.  All I can do right now is hold on, scratch and claw my way along school and hope I find work somewhere.  Maybe I'll even fuck around and end up in a relationship.

Whatever.  Hopefully, this weekend I'll be able to use my five dollars of fun money for the month to get blackout drunk.  Maybe Rite-Aid will have a sale on Tennessee whiskey again.  3 dollars for a gallon of whiskey.

Oh, and to everybody that is gonna give me the whole "You shouldn't hide in a bottle" or some similar line?  Don't.  I'm a big boy.  I haven't had a drink in well over two months.  I haven't gotten drunk in longer.  Also, it's none of your damn business.

So screw it all.  Let the good times roll.  I haven't lost hope for humanity, but I most definitely have lost faith in it.  I know there are people out there who agree with what I'm saying, I know there are people out there who think I'm full of shit or having a pity party.  I know there are people out there that don't care what I think, and don't care if they knock up that girl or if they're an ice queen or if they OD on heroin or who they destroy so long as they get ahead.

I also know that a lot of my friends won't understand this post, and will flip out, because they haven't experienced what I have, haven't lost what I have, and are in a good, happy place.  I hope they never leave that place, and never understand what I'm saying.  I didn't write this for them, I wrote it to get it out, and in the hopes that someone out there in internet land is having as hard a time as I am and needs to know they aren't alone.

So until next time, I'll leave you with this.  I look back on my life and I am proud of the person I am, of the good things I have done.  I am ashamed of the terrible thing I did, of the bad things I've done, and of the times  I've hurt people, either intentionally or unintentionally.  If I were to die tonight, I would be able to look back on my life and say yes, I've done more good than ill and left the world slightly better than I left it, even if it's in an intangible way.  Am I happy with my life?  Fuck no.  Am I satisfied with the person I am?  Fuck yeah.

So do me a favor.  Ask yourself, are you happy with the person you are?  Really?  If not, you better get shit straight.