I don't want to be alone but you know what? I'm through getting shot down for no good fucking reason. "Oh, I just don't see you that way." Why the hell not? Not even gonna give me a shot? You gave the asshole that cheated on you, destroyed your self esteem, and pushed you into doing things you aren't proud of a shot. You gave the guy that wouldn't listen to two words about your day, or listen to you when you needed a friend, or who wouldn't give you that hug you really needed a shot.
So why is it that the guy that is always there for you, who has a water proof shoulder, who MAKES time in his day to make sure you're doing okay because he knows you and him are having problems or you're having a tough day at work always gets the "Let's just be friends" line? Hmm? No really, what is it that makes me so undesireable? I really want to know! Is it my sensitivity that you claim is so refreshing and wonderful for a guy to have? (By the by, I have a problem with gender role generalizations, but that's a post for another time.) Is it my physical appearance? I will admit I have a dark side, not anger but depression. I know that's a major turn off to most people, not just girls, but you know what? We all have our dark sides.
I also get that sometimes it just isn't going to work. That being said, if it had no chance in hell, we probably wouldn't even be friends.
And why is it that if I ask for a shot at romance, it either is a yes or a I never wanna fucking see you again? What the fuck changed? Do I come across as a desperate person that's going to do anything to trick you into a relationship? What part of "I don't understand, but I respect your decision" is unclear? I want to know, honestly, what changes. I understand again that it will create some awkwardness... it's hard to look at a friend the same way when that's out in the open. Still, I feel that cutting off all contact is a bit extreme.
I'm lonely. I'm bitter. I'm done. You want a guy that fucks you over emotionally and mentally? Good. Have at it. I'm done giving you my heart on a silver platter only to have you take what's offered, use it all up, and piss on the remains. I have no more sympathy for people who are too stupid to realize that what they think they want and what they need can and usually are totally different things.
I don't mean to come down on the female gender. I know males can be just as retarded, and I've been guilty of some pretty fucking stupid stuff in a relationship myself. In my defense, the problem was mostly a drug I was on compounding my mental disorders, but it's still one of the three things I truly regret doing and would take back in a heartbeat.
Oh, and to everybody that's gonna be like "Oh, you'll find someone eventually" or "you have lots to offer" or "stop being so self pitying, you've got a good life" go fuck yourself. No, really. Eventually? Fanfuckingtastic. I hurt now. I have lots to offer? Yeah, I know, that's the fucking problem. I have everything to offer and nothing to get in return. I've offered it freely for far too long, and I'm drained down to my core. Yeah, I have a roof over my head. Yeah, I have food in my belly, clothes on my back, a computer, a warm bed, and I'm very grateful for what I do have. That doesn't change how much the hole in my heart hurts, or the ache in my soul, or comfort me when I cry. I don't want to be content, or even happy. I want to love and be loved, and to find the one that completes me, heart and soul. Until then, I'm a shell of a person. I'm tired. I just want to be whole again. I guess that's too much to ask.
May you all find love. Unadulterated, unreserved, unquestioning love. And may you understand what you have, be joyous, and return it in kind. Know that though I've never met you, or touched you, or held you, that I love you, with all my heart. But now it's my turn. I give no more of myself. It sounds selfish, but it's that or die. I choose to live.
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